Hello again, it’s Andy the Alligator here, and today, instead of telling you about how I became disgruntled, I’m going to review Twilight: Breaking Dawn 1. I simply cannot with that whole mouthful of a title. It’s too much. Only that asshole Chris says the whole thing.
Yesterday the bayou was treated to a special screening of Breaking Dawn and we were all very much excited for it. This is a huge film! One of the biggest of the year! Usually, we bayou-dwelling person-critters only get to see the latest horror movie or serial killer dramatic reenactment they’ve filmed in the bayou, but someone—I imagine that nice Pattinson boy, to make up for my continued disgruntlement—arranged for us to see one of the most anticipated films of the year.
Did it live up to the hype? Yes! Of course it did! First, we all dressed in our Sunday finest because the movie begins with Edward and Bella’s long-awaited wedding and we wanted to make a special occasion of it. At least, everyone dressed up except that asshole Chris, who’s too cool for school and came wearing a “Twilight sucks” shirt. He has no appreciation for occasion. I said this during the royal wedding and I will say it now. That asshole Chris has no appreciation for occasion.
Anywho, the movie begins with Bella practicing walking in her high heels for the wedding. I was mildly perturbed in this scene by the leather jacket Bella was wearing, although it was a really cool jacket. And Kristen Stewart, the pretty actress who plays Bella, who looks like she might taste really, really good… Hmm? What? No, I wasn’t imagining what Kristen Stewart would taste like! (Roasted lamb?) No, I was thinking about how much Stewart has grown over this series! How she uses physical clues like clenching hands to signify panic! She did a great job communicating Bella’s pre-wedding jitters and also her wedding night nerves without resorting to shrillness. She has to carry so much of Breaking Dawn and she does so with quiet confidence.
The wedding was just beautiful. I was taking note of the flowers and thinking that I would like to hang some garlands to pretty up my bower. I also thought that stringing some flowers along the log where I keep my kills might help keep that asshole Chris away from it, BECAUSE THAT LOG IS CLEARLY IN MY TERRITORY CHRIS, YOU ASSHOLE. My favorite part of the wedding was the toasts, which were inappropriate yet funny, as many wedding toasts are. Charlie gets the best lines, as he usually does, and Billy Burke is still one of the highlights of this franchise. In this movie, particularly, we see his deep love for his daughter—his reluctance to let go of her and his panic when she doesn’t come home.
The wedding also brings about the return of Jacob Black, which prompted much hissing among us alligators. We are the top of the food chain around her and do not welcome the idea of large wolves roaming our lands. Team Edward! Taylor Lautner wears more clothes in this movie than he has previously, but he still can’t deliver a line to save his life. He has a couple nice moments with Bella throughout the movie, but his delivery is just the worst thing I’ve seen since that asshole Chris started scavenging road kill. Oh! I almost forgot—the wedding dress! It was nice, not the horrorshow I was expecting but it wasn’t a revelation either. I was pleased that it had a sleek, modern silhouette, and not some poofy princess bullshit like I was expecting.
Finally, we arrived at the honeymoon. I found Robert Pattinson to be most engaging in these scenes, as he was allowed to move his face to express happiness. He went whole minutes together without looking constipated! His acting has improved over the series, and his best scene was easily the one in which he raised his voice to Bella and yelled at her for leaving him out of her decisions regarding their improbable vampire-baby. It pains me to do so, but I must agree with that asshole Chris that Pattinson’s worst scene was the flashback to his human-hunting days—it was cheesy and bizarre, though not as bizarre as Bella’s bad dream the night before the wedding. That was cheesy, bizarre, and unnecessary.
Speaking of cheesy, the cheesiest scene by far was the wolves standing around talking to one another. I could not help but laugh! It started out okay—for the first time we hear what the wolves’ “pack mind” sounds like, and it was an interesting build of voices into a cacophony of shouting. But then the wolves started mind-speaking and I lost it completely. I chortled so! Chris rolled his eyes so hard I thought they’d pop out of his head, which would be fine by me because he’s such an asshole. Another super sucky part of the movie—the suckiest part—was Carter Burwell’s score. I guess I shouldn’t have expected any different since I hated his Twilight score, too, but I was shocked at how incredibly tone-deaf the music was. Every time the score got going I wanted to punch it in the face with my alligator tail.
What worked best in Breaking Dawn was easily the childbirth scene and Bella’s transformation into a vampire. The birth was so bloody and Bella’s screams so convincing that many us got hungry and could not help but snack on the egrets that had come to see the movie. This made me feel bad, but I’m an alligator and eating egrets is what I do. Edward would understand. Edward’s panic when he thinks Bella is dead is another bit of good acting from Pattinson, and I was really into how they showed Bella’s change under the influence of morphine. I was also okay with Jacob’s “imprinting” on the newborn Renesmee (a name which should be pronounced “YIKES”). I won’t spoil it but I think they found the least-creepy way of handling an inherently creepy phenomenon.
In all, everyone liked Breaking Dawn 1, except that asshole Chris, but he’s an asshole. Fans of the books will be thrilled with how much of the source material made it into the movie and though the wedding night is brief and fades to black, it should make the Twihards happy with the amount of tender loving gazes exchanged and several shots of Robert Pattinson’s naked back. Everyone else will think it’s boring and unnecessary, as it could have been reduced to 30-40 minutes, instead of a full, two-hour movie. But this movie wasn’t made for everyone else, it was made for fans, and that’s what matters.