Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is hilariously awful

hansel_and_gretel_witch_hunters_poster

Bad movies are a guilty pleasure of mine (am lately obsessed with Miami Connection, a 1987 wonder-gem of a movie discovered on Ebay by Drafthouse Films—it has karate and friendship and motorcycle ninja gangs, what more could you want?), and I have an unofficial thesis on the different levels of bad that exist in filmmaking. To date I’ve identified four levels, although I suspect there may be five—I’m still compiling data (it’s my life’s work). The four (identified) levels are: Good-Bad, Bad-Bad, Hilariously Awful, and Money Grab. The most inexcusable of these levels is the Money Grab, which is when no one is making any effort at all to make a good movie for the sake of the movie but when it’s very clearly a product created solely to fleece the unsuspecting audience of their dollars (see also: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, still one of the most simply awful and worst-produced-on-every-level movies I’ve ever seen). Continue reading “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is hilariously awful”

Winter Movie Preview: January

With the exception of Oscar-ish movies expanding their platforms (like Zero Dark Thirty and Promised Land), January is a graveyard in which movie studios bury their malformed movies, the mistakes they committed to making but are too embarrassed to show in the bright light of day. Good movies don’t come out in January, but sometimes there are so-bad-it’s-good gems buried among the carcasses of aborted summer blockbusters and disavowed homeless Oscar bait. Let’s get to it.

January 4

A Dark Truth

You ever notice that Forest Whitaker makes a lot of shitty movies? He was amazing in The Last King of Scotland, but he’s rapidly become a candidate for the Cuba Gooding, Jr./Nicolas Cage Oscar Revocation Program. This is another of his crappy movies, with political pretentions and no resonance. There’s a massacre, and a cover up, and shady government involvement and it looks especially cheap next to Zero Dark Thirty. It also stars Eva Longoria, which doesn’t help.

Continue reading “Winter Movie Preview: January”