Eddie Redmayne’s potential Norbit.
Julianne Moore’s potential Norbit.
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water
SpongeBob’s bread and butter is absurdist adventure, but something about this is rubbing me the wrong way. For some reason it’s making me think of The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists—I don’t know why my brain is going there beyond “animated water”—which is such a tremendous movie this trailer looks poorer for the comparison.
Ballet is fascinating. The discipline it requires is mind-boggling. This documentary follows the New York City Ballet as they prepare a new work from a young choreographer, Justin Peck, in just two months.
Fifty Shades of Grey
A publishing phenomenon, the pressure is on for Fifty Shades to deliver. The box office will undoubtedly be good, but will the movie? I like Sam Taylor-Johnson as a director, and frankly, I get tired of the way people dismiss Fifty Shades as “mommy porn”. So what if it is? We’re okay with the idea of people watching choke sex on the internet—what’s wrong with this? I just hope Taylor-Johnson managed to pull together a movie that is actually good.
Kingsman: The Secret Service
This looks ridiculous, but Matthew Vaughn (X-Men: First Class) makes fun movies, and I’m here for Colin Firth: Action Hero. This was supposed to come out last October but got kicked to February, which doesn’t inspire confidence.
The Last Five Years
A musical starring Anna Kendrick about two creative types reminiscing over the rise and fall of their relationship. That’s incredibly precious, but Kendrick is adorable in everything.
DUFF = “Designated ugly fat friend”
If Mae Whitman is ugly and fat, the rest of us are fucked.
Hot Tub Time Machine 2
It’s dumb, but the first one was pretty funny. I have mild hopes that this one, too, may be enjoyable in a brain-free kind of way.
The latest in Disney’s string of feel-good triumphant sports stories.
Salma Hayek kills people in her bra. I bet that was the extent of the pitch.
Will Smith and Margot Robbie star as con artists who fall in love. The trailer is slick but the February release date, once again, does not inspire confidence.
Maps to the Stars
David Cronenberg skewers Los Angeles and Hollywood “culture” in typically Cronenbergian fashion. Either you like Cronenberg, or you don’t. This won’t change your mind either way.
Critical darlings Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper co-star in this turd—no seriously, everyone hates it—about a crazy lady who fucks up her husband’s life. I assume the book is better.