Winter Movie Preview: February

Look ma, the movie preview is on time!

February 7

A Fantastic Fear of Everything

Simon Pegg stars as a crime novelist whose research on serial killers has turned him into a paranoid wreck. This is exactly the kind of movie that benefits from the on-demand platform. It looks good, but maybe not good enough for a trip to the theater. But from the comfort of your couch? Perfectly fine option for home viewing, and one you probably won’t regret.

Limited/VOD

A Field in England

This I actually would see in the theater, but it’s not playing anywhere around me, so VOD it is. Ben Wheatley is in a position similar to Edgar Wright 15 years ago: Cinephiles know who he is, but he hasn’t crossed the pond yet. That is changing, though, so be one of the cool kids who can say, “Ben Wheatley? Yeah, I’ve seen his movies,” before the hipsters glom onto him and ruin it forever.

A Field in England is a horror movie set during the English Civil War. It got great reviews in the UK last year and looks trippy and weird and atmospheric. I’m into it.

Limited/VOD

The LEGO Movie

EVERYTHING IS AWESOME. INCLUDING THIS MOVIE.

The Monuments Men

George Clooney’s latest, about a real-life group of artists and historians who went to Europe in World War II to attempt to recover/save the art that the Nazis were looting and destroying, was originally scheduled for the 2013 award season. Then it got moved to February. Clooney said it was so he could have time to properly finish the movie, the studio said it was because Shutter Island proved they could make money in February, but everyone else said, “Bullshit, it’s bad, isn’t it?” Well it turns out it is, indeed, bad. Proving that once again, if you really believe in a project, you don’t dump it in January/February.

Vampire Academy

The movie is called Vampire Academy and the tagline is “They suck at school”.

It looks like Twilight took a shit on The Craft, then that shit-covered cinematic abortion blew chunks on Harry Potter. How is this even a real movie?

February 12

Robocop

The Robocop remake is rated PG-13.

PEE GEE THIRTEEN.

As if the mere idea of a Robocop remake wasn’t bad enough.

February 14

About Last Night

A relatively harmless-looking rom-com just in time for Valentine’s Day. Kevin Hart is coming off the surprising success of Ride Along in January, so maybe he can help push this to something resembling success in February. That, or Michael Ealy’s soulful eyes will compel audiences to sit through another round of “Women are like this! Men are like THIS!” None of the other romantically inclined titles this month are even real movies, so they have a decent shot.

Endless Love

Haha, nice try guys. This definitely isn’t a real movie.

Winter’s Tale

This isn’t a real movie, either.

February 21

Pompeii

Also not a real movie, but one I will probably sit through anyway simply because I am obsessed with Mount Vesuvius (we’re living in the window of its next eruption!), and even though the made-up Gladiator story looks like complete bullshit, the volcano erupting parts look cool. Although…most people still in Pompeii when Vesuvius erupted died almost instantly from one of two things: Either their brains boiled in their skulls because of the intense heat surge (nearly 500 degrees Fahrenheit), or they died of thermal shock, which is basically what happens when the pressure change due to that heat surge causes your insides to liquefy. So how is Jon Snow still managing to ride that horse away from the eruption? They should both be in the fetal position (because thermal shock causes your bones to soften and fuse, which is why so many victims in Pompeii were curled up), wondering which would happen first, their brains rupturing from heat or their hearts melting from shock.

Now THAT is the Vesuvius movie I want to see.

Three Days to Kill

Another fake one. Actually, this movie doesn’t look fake so much as it looks like a parody trailer. Like SNL’s Wes Anderson horror movie, except this is like, PT Anderson’s action movie.

The Wind Rises

Theoretically Hayao Miyazaki’s final film (if you don’t recognize the name, he’s the director/animator behind Howl’s Moving Castle and Spirited Away), The Wind Rises is about the engineer who designed the infamous Japanese “Zero” fighter planes in World War II. It was one of my favorite movies last year and is nominated for a Best Animated Feature Oscar (and really should win, but Frozen’s world-wide success will make it hard to beat). This is the English-dubbed version, which really doesn’t play any differently than the original Japanese edit, except without subtitles. When you think about it, all animated movies are dubbed.

Anyway, this is a super good movie and everyone should see it.

February 28

Non-Stop

You’ve seen Liam Neeson kick the shit out of everything from terrorists to wolves, now watch Liam Neeson kick the shit out of an airplane!

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5 thoughts on “Winter Movie Preview: February

  1. Baillie

    So excited for the Lego movie. I feel that instead of trying to make a Justice League movie proper happen, they should just do the LEGO version.

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