Three hours, precisely. That’s how long the Golden Globes were. It felt, however, like it took a year to watch the broadcast. Terrible pacing, janky cutaways, and amateur-hour direction bogged down the broadcast, not to mention everyone who won taking dramatic pauses and delivering their thank you speeches in slow. important. actor. dialect. Except for America’s Pretend Girlfriend, Jennifer Lawrence, who was her usual gushy self. (Maybe…too usual? She was so “oh gee me” gushy, it reminded me painfully of Taylor Swift. Jennifer Lawrence: She’s faking it? Discuss.) On the whole, though, it was an okay show. I didn’t think Tina Fey & Amy Poehler were quite as sharp—or maybe we simply knew what to expect this time—as co-hosts, but they still nailed Grade A jokes about George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio, and shaded Taylor Swift in between.
The Hollywood Foreign Press Association doesn’t have anything to do with the Oscars, and the Oscar nominations have already been turned in, but you couldn’t help but feel the wind being taken out of 12 Years a Slave’s sails as they got passed over time and time again through the night, until finally bagging the Best Drama award at the end of the night. By the time they finally won, it felt like they really needed it. 12 Years is going to be a hard sell to old fart Academy voters, because it doesn’t tell them that white people solved racism in 1962, but just how hard a sell it really is came home last night. Producer Brad Pitt is going to have to get to work in the coming month to give the film a boost.
And just think, in another month, we may very well be saying the words, “Oscar winner Jared Leto.”
I had a hard time compiling my favorite looks of the nights. The worsts were pretty obvious, but the best? Most everyone erred on the side of caution which lead to a lot of boring but unobjectionable fashion, which meant no one really leapt out at me as having a real fashion moment. At least, that is, until Lupita Nyong’o showed up in a scarlet red Ralph Lauren gown with a cape. It’s reminiscent of Gwyneth Paltrow’s white Tom Ford from the 2012 Oscars, but, as should be the case with good fashion, Nyong’o makes the look her own. She looks so gorgeous, her skin is so beautiful, her makeup is perfect—I could gush about this look forever. Nyong’o has been demonstrating good fashion sense ever since breaking out with 12 Years a Slave, but this is a major moment. This puts her in the upper echelons of fashion-friendly celebrities, and I really hope a major designer makes her a spokesmodel, soon. Fashion could use the diversity, and we could use the Lupita.
My next two looks are the ones that popped out at me for not only being well styled, pulled-together looks, but ones that stood out from all the boring. Rashida Jones in Rausto Pugilisi and Orange is the New Black’s Taylor Schilling in Thakoon both popped on the red carpet thanks to their easy-breezy style. Most everyone’s fashion choices conveyed their terror at landing on a “worst dressed” list, but Jones does not care. She’s not typically a great fashionista, but I really like this palm-tree-printed dress, and her styling is spot-on. She looks fun and laid-back, and like she feels comfortable in the dress. I don’t love her bangs, but that’s just because I hate bangs. People who like bangs probably love it. Schilling also looks relaxed and comfortable, and the green dress is perfect against her pale skin and blonde hair. It’s vaguely vintage without feeling theme-y, and she nailed the loose, natural curls. Most people do that and end up in bad need of a combing, but Schilling’s hair is perfect. “Loose” and “natural” does not mean “unkempt”.
First, let’s just agree that Paula Patton’s Stephane Rolland nightmare frock is a hellish, textile representation of someone birthing a facehugger. It looks like that dress is slowly consuming her, like an evil spore. There’s no defense of this dress. Patton is tall woman and still it overwhelms her. It overwhelms her as it slowly subsumes her body for nutrition, growing and waiting, biding its time until it detaches and goes on feeding frenzy, devouring all in its path.
Next up we have a worst-dressed two-fer from Prabal Gurung featuring Sandra Bullock and Zoe Saldana. Bullock is not a fashion maven but even by her lowered-expectations grading curve, this is a terrible dress. It looks cheap and basic, like the dress that gets someone cut from Project Runway. Points for good hair and makeup, but any dress that makes someone look as uncomfortable as Bullock looks is an automatic no. Ditto for Saldana’s dress—she also looked like she was second-guessing her choice. People say that Saldana can wear anything, though I think it’s more a case of her being willing to try anything, but usually her choices yield better results than this. She looks like she actively hates this dress, and I have never heard Saldana sound so unenthusiastic about a dress than I did during her red carpet interview. Everything about this look screams regret.
Almost But Not Quite
Amy Adams almost had it. Her two-tone Valentino is a very flattering dress, and it’s a good fit for her (I mean literally, that dress is fit within an inch of its life), but then I looked at her face. Adams is very pale, and while the dress isn’t washing her out, her makeup is. She need to go a little bolder on either the eye or the lip, but as it is, neither was enough to make her really pop. Also I do not like that hairstyle, which is also what ruined Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera. I’m down with the dress and appreciate a more fashion-forward choice from the usually safe Fey, but then she paired it with that awful hairdo; let’s call it the half-Palin. Fey wore much better looks throughout the night as host, it’s just too bad the half-Palin is on record as her red carpet look.
Which brings us to please-think-of-me-as-a-misfit Lena Dunham. I usually refuse to get sucked into discussions about Dunham’s fashion choices because I think she’s trolling us most of the time. But yesterday she made an honest effort with this Zac Posen gown, and while it isn’t a terrific look, it isn’t awful and doesn’t feel like a prank, either. The color isn’t quite there for her—bright green or blue probably would have looked better—but the fit is decent. I kept wanting her to stand up straight, but I did appreciate that she made an attempt at actually styling her hair and wearing a correct application of makeup, plus she accessorized with that killer diamond necklace. So it’s a mixed bag from Dunham, but overall, she gets points for actually trying this time.
Jennifer Lawrence in a white Dior mermaid gown virtually repeated her 2013 Oscar look. That was a great look, and in and of itself, this isn’t a terrible dress, it’s just way too much like the other dress. Also, on my TV at least, Lawrence’s makeup looked pretty dark and severe. I could see the white powder used on her face, and against the darker lip and eye makeup, she looked kind of Goth. People yelled at me for using that word, but when I first glimpsed her it was all white face and dark eyes and lips and my brain went, Goth. Lawrence can’t “wear any face” when it comes to makeup; she looks best with light, fresh makeup, and smoky eyes work a lot better than that hard black eyeliner. I don’t think she’s mismatched with Dior so much as they are simply not serving her well.
Another repeat offender was Jessica Chastain in Givenchy. The dress isn’t bad, her makeup is good and that necklace is GREAT, but then we get to her hair. This is the same blown-back hairstyle she wore last year. It’s not flattering and looks like politician hair, and I wish someone would introduce her to hair clips. If you want to wear your hair down, but out of your eyes, get a jeweled hair clip. Do not attempt to create a hair helmet out of Aquanet. That is never the solution.
Best Futurespace Boobs
Kate Mara (in J Mendel) would like you to know that she is from the future. That is all.
The Julia Roberts I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck Award
Julia Roberts wore this Dolce & Gabbana ensemble, which I think is actually a flattering and interesting spin on the “oxford shirt + formal skirt” look, and even manages to wear a beehive without looking like a spinster or a hipster, but Julia Roberts does not care what I think. Julia Roberts has no fucks to give, and is only here for the free booze and the opportunity to talk shit about her peers with Meryl Streep.
The Lea Michele Hard Posing Award
I used to like Amber Heard a lot. She’s gorgeous but always seemed to downplay it, favoring instead a raunchy sense of humor, self-deprecation, and the occasional Interesting Thought. But then her moment kept not coming and she increasingly seemed more and more desperate to Make It Happen, and then yesterday she donned this Versace monstrosity and paraded up and down the red carpet, posing so hard I thought she would give herself an aneurysm. She also brought the world’s worst accessory, which was a life-sized Johnny Depp that was wearing a blonde wig for some godforsaken reason.
The Best of the Dudes
With the exception of Matthew McConaughey and his green velvet Dolce & Gabbana tux, the guys I wanted to pick for this did not walk the red carpet. I couldn’t find any photos of an unusually un-rumpled Mark Ruffalo or a crush-(re)igniting Chris Evans, so I went with Bradley Cooper, who wore a superbly fitted traditional tux, and a superfly Terry Crews in a blue tuxedo. Not bad as far as backup goes. Crews, especially, is rocking the shit out of that suit.