Um, a week late again. New Year’s resolution: Stop posting the movie previews late. (Haha, who am I kidding.)
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones
As far as these things go, this got okay reviews. I mean, you know. For a Paranormal Activity movie. So it’s basically grading on a curve. A low, low curve.
August: Osage County
Inside Llewyn Davis
The Legend of Hercules
The guys at Red Letter Media rather brilliantly dubbed the cinematic turds the studios shit out and bury in January and February as “Fuck You, It’s January” movies. This is the very definition of a “Fuck You, It’s January” movie.
I want to say nice things about Devil’s Due because it stars Zach Gilford (Saracen for life), but this looks like a bad knock off of Paranormal Activity. And those movies are already pretty bad.
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
Originally scheduled for Christmas day, this got kicked to make room for The Wolf of Wall Street. But if Paramount had any real faith in it, they wouldn’t have dumped it in January, they would have saved it for like, April.
Fuck you, it’s January.
The Nut Job
I had literally not ever heard of this movie until I sat down to write this preview. It looks wretchedly bad, but if you have little kids, eh. Probably fine. By “little kid”, though, I mean like, really little. Like the kind of little that pretty much just eats and sleeps and shits. It’s not like they really notice stuff anyway, right? It’s all just pretty colors and shapes. Pretty colors and shapes, and the beginnings of a latent fear of squirrels.
Here’s what I don’t get. Kevin Hart is damn funny as a stand-up, but every movie he’s in is just complete shit. Can we not get this guy a better vehicle? Can we please not make Kevin Hart into the black Kevin James?
This is Disney pop tartlet Vanessa Hudgens’ bid to be taken seriously as an actress. You can tell she’s serious because she has short hair and wears a hoodie. Hudgens stars as a runaway teen looking for her rich father…played by Brendan Fraser. Remember when Brendan Fraser was a thing?
FUCK YOU, IT’S JANUARY.
Starring a cast of young people I’ve never heard of plus Clark Gregg and Allison Janney, Brightest Star is about a guy trying to win back the girl of his dreams. One day I’m going to write a movie where a first-love couple breaks up then just like, stays broken up, gets over each other, and moves on to find satisfying relationships with other people.
This one doesn’t actually open in theaters until March, but it’s a promising looking horror movie—way better than anything else in that genre on offer this month. Starring Elijah Wood and John Cusack, Grand Piano is about a concert pianist (Wood) whose life is threatened just before he begins a performance. It looks tense and interesting, and also has the benefit of some lovely classical music on the soundtrack.
I keep getting career prospectus requests for Wood over on LaineyGossip, but he’s doing exactly what he wants to do, which pretty much amounts to “making quirky horror movies and Wilfred, and farting around with his indie record label”. Wilfred is pretty great, and his horror output has been consistently good. Don’t worry about Wood. He’s doing fine.
That Awkward Moment
On the one hand, this movie stars Miles Teller (The Spectacular Now) AND Michael B. Jordan (Fruitvale, Friday Night Lights). On the other hand, it also stars elf king Zac Efron. Efron’s probably hoping that the recent good fortune that Teller and Jordan have had will rub off on him, but it’s more likely that this will be the forgettable, “made before they broke out” film that no one holds against Teller and Jordan.