The Snowpiercer Saga: Please put down the scissors, Harvey

That’s it. Easy now. Why don’t you just put those scissors down and back away—slowly!—from Snowpiercer before you do something you’ll regret. Just put down the scissors and let’s talk about this.

Yes, I know, Harvey. I know that Comedy Farts and Comedy Farts II: Diarrhea Smells have been big hits. And you’re right, they do just keep cranking out Zoom Zoom Cars over and over, and even the “good” ones aren’t particularly good. It is distressing, Harvey. I can see you’re very upset. So let’s just sit down now, and talk this out. Okay?

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Let’s start with why you think you need to cut twenty minutes out of Snowpiercer so that audiences in Iowa will get it. Tell me what’s go you so worked up that you’re actually degrading a pretty goddamn stellar movie. Please, explain your logic to me.

That’s true, Harvey. Space Robots Shrieking is incredibly loud and stupid, and yes, people consume that shit like it’s the good blow. But don’t you get it, Harvey? I thought you understood when you bought Snowpiercer that it wasn’t that kind of movie.

The action IS exciting! Bong Joon-ho is a great director—he surely did make a stylish movie. And you’re right, Harvey, it probably will work perfectly well as a dumbed-down action movie. But do you really want it to be that?

January? No, Harvey, you promise me right now that whatever else you may do to Snowpiercer, you won’t dump it in January—or February, for that matter—to die. I get that the movie is about a frozen wasteland and January and February are a frozen wasteland of shitty movies, but there’s no need to be cutesy and ironic with the release date.

weinsteinIt’s really not that funny, Harvey. Seriously, your laugh is starting to creep me out.

Ask yourself this: Do you really want to make the same mistake Paramount did with World War Z? Do you really want to take something special and different and turn it into the same generic schlock everyone else is crapping out? Do you want to be that guy, Harvey?

No, it is the same, Harvey. The only difference is that no one got a chance to see World War Z before all the rewrites and reshoots, but people have already seen Snowpiercer, myself included. It’s already open in international territories—it’s a hit in South Korea—and reviews have been written. People already think this is a good movie. You’re altering something people have already deemed worthy.

Forget about Iowa. Stop talking about Iowa. All that’s accomplishing is making you sound exactly like the enormous gaping asshole everyone already thinks you are.

Well I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings but it’s true. Everyone thinks you’re a shit-sucking cockroach and your “’Murica is dum-dum” attitude isn’t doing anything to help that.

No, I will not take that back, because you aren’t giving me any reason to. If you’re going to assume that I’m a retarded monkey that has to be spoon-fed entertainment in its simplest form then I’m going to remind you that no one actually likes you. We put up with you. That’s it.

Well fine, if you want to be like that, go ahead. Just remember Princess Mononoke. Remember that it isn’t your hacked-to-bits US edit that anyone cares about. Everyone goes right to the original Miyazaki version. And remember how everyone eye-rolled your blatant cash-grab when you edited The King’s Speech for a PG-13 rating after it won all those Oscars. You’re just adding to your hit parade here, Harvey. You’re proving right every bad thing said about you.

Harvey WeinsteinLook, Harvey, here’s what it comes down to. Bong Joon-ho might not have much power, if any at all, in Hollywood, but he is a world-renowned director and many, many people are waiting anxiously for Snowpiercer. And while you might well be a human black hole, you are a savvy businessman, and you’ll probably be able to sell a stupider version of Snowpiercer and make money. But look what’s happening. National film boards, like France’s, are coming out and assuring their film-goers they’ll be releasing the director’s cut, not yours. And they’re being hailed like conquering heroes. Now you’ve made it Harvey vs. the film fans, and Harvey? At the end of the day, given the kind of specialty films you release, the film fans are the audience you should be concerned about. Not Iowa. Because most of the movies you release never even play in Iowa anyway. All you’ve done here is remind people why they hate you, plus offend everyone in Iowa.

It’s not too late, Harvey. You could still come out and say you’ve changed your mind, that you’ll release Snowpiercer as-is and trust audiences—even the ones in Iowa—to respond to a smart, well-made movie that doesn’t talk down to them. Or you could, you know, continue being a runny turd and shove your lesser version of Snowpiercer down our throats. It’s your call.

Real classy, Harvey. I hope you get eaten by a tiger, too.

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8 thoughts on “The Snowpiercer Saga: Please put down the scissors, Harvey

  1. Katherine

    You actually thought this movie would get a strong release, or….LOL…an Oscar qualifying run? Harvey butchers Asian cinema on a regular basis. He’ll do a last week of January release and hope to grab some action counter-programming cash. I saw this coming the minute I heard he had distribution. Why would you expect anything else? Depressing sure, but sorry you set yourself up for disappointment this time.

    He has a full Oscar slate already to push and there is no way Octavia Spencer (Fruitvale has the prime spot for her), Tilda Swinton (too “odd” for the Middle America set), and no one’s favorite Avenger were going to make this a priority.

    1. I didn’t think it would get an Oscar push, no (unless it was for like, technical categories and maybe the score, which is excellent). But I also didn’t think Weinstein would cut it. It’s not long, barely over two hours, unlike The Grandmaster which actually did have some fat that could be trimmed, and yeah, it’s dark, but it’s not that hard to follow. What surprised me, actually, is that in saying he wants to cut it so that Iowans can understand it, Weinstein actually does intend to give it a big ole action movie wide release. I was expecting to see this on less than 1,000 screens. That’s technically a wide release but it means you’re concentrating on the top 15 or so markets in the country and ignoring outlier areas like Iowa. His attitude of “it needs to be dumbed down” speaks to the exact opposite of what I was expecting.

      1. Katherine

        I understand now, I think I got that from your tweet about it “if there’s any justice at all Snowpiercer will be in the mix too…” As Oscar makes clear year after year, there is no justice, so I understand now that was just your wishful thinking.

        I now have zero desire to see this is a theater. Director’s cut DVD or *cough* “other means” now thanks.

  2. sue

    Sarah, you’ve pretty much offended everyone in Iowa. Joey McFlyover? Last I checked the definition of a flyover state, Illinois was included. I get that you’re about snark, but give us a break here. Some of us actually have refined tastes.

    1. Jackie_RK

      Actually, HARVEY’S offended everyone in Iowa for thinking that “middle America” is too unsophisticated to follow the basics of plot and character development. He’s an ass (speaking as someone who lives in flyover land where there’s actually a rich, vibrant cultural energy) and I too hope he’s eaten by a tiger. Kick him in the balls again, Sarah, one time for me.

      1. Once more for me, too. Be careful not to lose your shoe up in that pannus. What an asshole, I can’t believe this (yes I can). I was just fantasizing last week about a rich bitch life of leisure so I could hop on a plane to S. Korea for the sole purpose of seeing this movie (and stalk Hyun Bin). I have zero interest in 1. Seeing a dumbed-down version, and 2. WAITING UNTIL JANUARY. FUCK THAT.

        Sarah-I loved You’re Next. It was worth the almost two year wait despite a gaping plot hole.

  3. Pingback: Update on The Snowpiercer Saga: Maybe it’s not being hacked to bits | Cinesnark

  4. Pingback: The Snowpiercer Saga Part III: Maybe Harvey is losing? | Cinesnark

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