My alarm went off at 2:45 AM. After crying for a couple minutes over the ungodly hour, I got up and flipped on my TV to watch Prince William and Kate Middleton get married. In all, it was a lovely, if staid, wedding. I liked the trees they used inside Westminster abbey, instead of giant flower arrangements, and I loved Kate’s wedding gown. Very princess-appropriate without being sixty pounds of crystal-encrusted taffeta poof. You ever notice that real princesses wear fairly plain gowns (at most you get some poof and/or lace), while girls who fancy themselves princesses wear unholy creations of tulle?
Without further ado, on to the running diary of the royal wedding.
2:52 AM: Ugh. Am awake. Fuck.
2:57 AM: Okay okay. Getting out of bed. For real. It’s happened.
3:00 AM: Official broadcast has begun. Starting with the Today Show broadcast but will switch to TLC for the ceremony. Meredith Viera is too annoying for this early in the morning.
3:01 AM: Members of the “general congregation” are arriving at Westminster Abbey now, but they’re not important enough for cameras to be on them.
3:03 AM: William and Kate will use the same open carriage Charles and Diana used after their wedding in 1981.
3:04 AM: Chelsy Davy is arriving at the Abbey. Her emerald green dress is really bringing out the burnt sienna tones in her fake tan.
3:05 AM: Someone remembered to cut to the general congregation, described as “non VIP guests”, arriving at the Abbey. Know thy place, peons!
3:06 AM: It’s cloudy in London right now but not raining. Don’t rain, sky! Don’t rain!
3:09 AM: Seems like a lot of the crowd is made up of people from the US and Canada visiting London. What does this say about how Londoners feel about the royal wedding…
3:10 AM: Cut to the Goring Hotel, where Kate and the Middleton family are staying. Kate’s Rolls Royce has arrived and there’s a tent surrounding the door so her dress won’t be spoiled before she arrives at the Abbey.
3:17 AM: David and Victoria Beckham are arriving as part of the non-VIP general congregation. KNOW THY PLACE POSH.
3:18 AM: Victoria is wearing a high boat-necked dress that is reading as dark navy on camera. She’ll be thrilled to know the camera has not gone below her bust line. She does not look pregnant on camera right now at all. Although her bump would be a welcome distraction from her fugly hat.
3:30 AM: Lord Spencer and family arriving at the Abbey. He’s not part of the official family entourage. I think this pretty much sums up the extent of his relationship with his nephews, yeah?
3:31 AM: Rowan “Mr. Bean” Atkinson is at the wedding. Because, of course? Matt Lauer tells a terrible Mr. Bean joke.
3:46 AM: As Matt Lauer talks to Martin Bashir, who did that famous interview of Diana where she talked about the divorce and Camilla, they cut to a shot of Elton John and David Furnish arriving at the Abbey. Sir Elton, disappointingly, not wearing a polka-dot waistcoat.
3:50 AM: They’re talking about the ex-lovers William and Kate invited to the wedding. Someone calls them an “incestuous bunch”. It’s way too early in the morning for that kind of talk.
3:51 AM: The interior of the Abbey is decorated with trees. It’s a great effect, and I bet having trees lining your aisle will be a big wedding trend this summer.
3:53 AM: Now they’re discussing how suspicious and distrustful the princes are. This is one of the few areas in which I really feel badly for William and Harry. I do think they are pretty down to earth guys and it must suck to have to be so on guard all the time.
4:00 AM: Guy Ritchie was invited to the wedding. How mad do you think Madonna is right now? I feel like she’s whipping one her boy-toys right now, crying tears of anger and rage. Or, she would be crying, if the Botox allowed for that.
4:04 AM: Prime Minister David Cameron arrives at the Abbey. We must be getting into the VIP guests now. Interesting, his wife has foregone a hat in favor of some kind of jeweled clip. People will probably deride her for this—it’s got to be some kind of faux pas and/or example of no-classism—but she looks nice.
4:18 AM: William and Harry arrive at the Abbey. William’s uniform is not as cool as Harry’s. William has a moment with one of the officers waiting at the Abbey. I like his interaction with fellow military men. I get the feeling he and Harry take their service very, very seriously. It’s not just “something to do that looks good to the public”. They seem like pretty good servicemen.
4:19 AM: It is noted that William does not shake hands with the officer, but Harry does. Judging by uniforms, the officer is part of Harry’s unit or whatever in the military. I’m not going to judge William as a Snubby McSnubberton on his wedding day, I’m just going to assume that Harry probably actually knows this guy through his service.
4:21 AM: Harry has more medals than William because Harry has fought in Afghanistan. Do you think they fight about this? “Oh yeah, Wills? WELL WHO HAS MORE MEDALS?”
4:21 AM: They totally fight about it! They just said Harry teases William about having more medals.
4:23 AM: Harry totally has a bald spot developing on the back of his head. The ginge is dying.
4:30 AM: Momma Middleton arrives at the Abbey along with Kate’s brother, James. Momma Middleton is wearing a pale blue/gray dress-coat thing, and a moderately-sized hat.
4:31: YOU GUYS, SOME OF THE ROYAL FAMILY IS ARRIVING BY BUS. That’s exactly how someone just said that. Everyone is off-camera, so I’m not sure who the culprit is, but sweet jebus that’s annoying.
4:32 AM: Um, Kate’s younger brother is kind of hot.
4:43 AM: Prince Charles and his favorite horse arrive at the Abbey.
4:47 AM: Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip arrive at the Abbey. The Queen looks very springy in bright yellow and a giant ass diamond brooch.
4:55 AM: Pippa Middleton, the maid of honor, and the young bridesmaids and pages arrive at the Abbey. Aww, the little kids look so cute.
4:56 AM: HOLY SHIT. Pippa Middleton is HOT.
4:57 AM: Matt Lauer points out that Pippa is 27 and unmarried. Way to rub it in, Matt.
4:58 AM: Pippa’s dress is really pretty, reminiscent of a 1930’s gown. But it’s white? Is that weird to anyone else?
4:58 AM: Cutaway to Kate and Poppa Middleton in their car, on the way to the Abbey. Can’t see Kate inside.
4:59 AM: Oh here’s a better look at Kate in the car. All I can make out is a veil and a long-sleeved lace top.
5:00 AM Kate’s bouquet is surprisingly small. I know we all kind of pick on her, but really her sense of scale and modesty is very appropriate for a princess. Poppa Middleton has no clue what to do with the train of Kate’s dress. He’s futzing with it in the car.
5:01 AM: OMG. Kate’s dress. Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen. PERFECT. And it’s so pretty. She’s wearing some tiara I’ve never heard of/seen before. I don’t think this particular piece was in any of the betting books. The Cartier Halo Tiara? Dammit, I did not get that bet right.
5:04 AM: The ceremony is beginning. Fricking finally.
5:05 AM: Harry definitely looks cuter in his uniform than William does.
5:06 AM: Kate’s dress is really reminiscent of Princess Grace’s, with the lace top.
5:07 AM: Okay, this is the longest aisle-walk EVER.
5:08 AM: Harry looks mischievous. Trouble.
5:09 AM: William, Kate and Poppa Middleton have a laugh. Awww. They’re not uptight! The overhead shot of Westminster Abbey is great.
5:11 AM: So…how long are they going sing?
5:12 AM: Oh good, they’ve started the proper ceremony. Finally.
5:14 AM: No seriously, Kate looks a-mazing.
5:16 AM: The look on William’s face is sweet. They look adorable right now.
5:18 AM: William is shoving that ring on Kate’s finger like it’s not really fitting. Harry was too busy planning the after-party to size the ring, obvs.
5:20 AM: Wow, this ceremony is delightfully short. You can hear the people outside the Abbey cheering.
5:21 AM: Loving the detailing on the back of Kate’s dress. Is that a faux-bustle? And I also like the effect of the trees inside the Abbey. Very springy and modern.
5:22 AM: Speaking of springy, is there anything more yellow than the Queen’s dress/hat combo? The answer is “no”. There is none more yellow.
5:23 AM: Oh Princess Beatrice. You hat-rogue.
5:24 AM: Wait…why is everyone sitting down? I thought we were done…
5:24 AM: For real, Kate’s brother, James, is really attractive. And speaking of Middleton siblings, Pippa looks crazy hot in her dress. But seriously, who puts their maid of honor in white dress? Is this some kind of royal-wedding tradition? “In case something happens to me between the door and the altar, don’t worry. My maid of honor is already dressed and ready to step in.”
5:27 AM: More singing. Making me sleepy…
5:29 AM: Whoever is directing the camera coverage of this ceremony is seriously underestimating my desire to stare at Kate’s dress. STOP CUTTING AWAY.
5:30 AM: The people seated in the wings of the church can’t see the altar like, at all. I like what this says. “You’re invited to the wedding but we don’t like you enough to give you a view.” Oh royals. Always putting the peons in their place.
5:32 AM: Seriously, if you’re going to sing, can it be a little more upbeat? I’m drifting off here.
5:33 AM: Someone else is talking. I take back what I said about this being a short ceremony.
5:36 AM: Is the Queen asleep?
5:37 AM: All I hear while the Bishop of London talks is, “Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us together today…”
5:38 AM: William checks the cameras when the bishop mentions “the many millions watching”. He’s a savvy one, he is.
5:43 AM: Can you imagine having a choir solo at the royal wedding? That’s a whole episode of Glee right there.
5:44 AM: I was liking this wedding a lot better when I thought it was twelve minutes long. Now I’m just reminded how BORING all weddings are.
5:45 AM: Oh don’t act like you don’t think weddings are boring, too. Unless you’re the one tying the knot, ALL WEDDINGS ARE BORING.
5:46 AM: The flowers at the altar appear to be white lilies and green hydrangeas. Pretty, but a bit boring. But I guess you’re not really getting hot pink roses at the royal wedding or anything, you know. Colorful.
5:48 AM: I want a timpani player at my wedding! MUST. HAVE.
5:49 AM: These military uniforms don’t look particularly comfortable.
5:51 AM: That dude in the choir just bitchfaced the SHIT out the guy next to him. Somebody hit a wrong note.
5:53 AM: Err, so has anyone else ever noticed that “God Save the Queen” and “America the Beautiful” are the same tune?
5:54 AM: Pippa Middleton joins the couple at the altar to give Kate her bouquet. Are we done?
5:55 AM: William, Kate and their families go into the little place behind the altar to sign the register. Commercial break. We’re done with the ceremony!
6:00 AM: So I guess we have to start calling Kate “the Duchess of Cambridge” now. William did not succeed in his attempt to get Kate the title of princess in her own right.
6:01 AM: I don’t know whose hat is worse—Princess Beatrice or Princess Eugenie. They are the Princesses of Crazy Headgear.
6:02 AM: The family emerges from that closet thing behind the altar. (You can clearly tell I am not Catholic/Anglican/Lutheran, right?)
6:05 AM: Here they come, the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Kate is glowing and William looks SO proud. Pippa concentrating very hard on holding that train up. Harry still looks like he’s about to do something naughty.
6:06 AM: Oh—was that Queen tearing up as William and Kate passed by her? SO CUTE.
6:07 AM: Seriously, Kate’s dress is gorgeous. Absolutely perfect on her and it’s not some over the top poofy affair that will have brides for the next three years buried under a mound of taffeta and tulle.
6:09 AM: William and Kate emerge from the Abbey. The crowds go nuts as the bells start ringing.
6:10 AM: The rain has held off so far. Hopefully it continues to hold as they go back to Buckingham Palace in their open carriages. Aww, cute as William hands the bouquet back to Kate.
6:13 AM: This parade back to the palace is cool. No one does pomp and circumstance like the British royal family.
6:14: AM: On the TLC feed, Clinton Kelly points out that William and Kate have yet to kiss. No one has informed him of the tradition—which Charles and Diana began—apparently. The couple doesn’t kiss until they appear on the balcony at Buckingham Palace.
6:15 AM: I like Kate’s wave. It’s not that weird wrist-flippy thing the royals do. It’s a normal person wave.
6:19 AM: Harry is in a carriage with the little kids. TOO CUTE.
6:21 AM: I know we make fun of Kate for being Waity Katie, and that many of us think this marriage is pragmatism over romanticism, but really, in this moment, William and Kate do look really happy together.
6:24 AM: They’re entering the palace. Once those gates close behind you, Kate, there’s no going back…
6:26 AM: William helping Kate out of the carriage is adorable. Seriously, they’re being so cute right now. Even my dead black heart thinks this is lovely.
6:27 AM: They’re saying Kate did her own makeup. I’d believe it, as it’s basically how she looks most every time I’ve ever seen her. Which is to say, neutral lips and raccoon eyes.
6:28 AM: What? The girl duchess likes her eye liner!
6:30 AM: Seriously, who is buying that cheapsies knockoff of Diana/Kate’s engagement ring they keep advertising?
6:32 AM: The bridal party continues arriving at the palace and it’s been revealed that William and Kate’s wedding bands are by the same designer that did Charles and Camilla’s rings (Wartski), and they’re bands of Welsh gold. Appropriate, for the future Prince and Princess of Wales.
6:36 AM: I’m calling it. Victoria Beckham’s hat is HIDEOUS. But Dirty David looks the cleanest I’ve ever seen him.
6:41 AM: And now we’re killing time until the balcony appearance. Loo-loo-loo I’ve got some apples…
6:45 AM: While we wait, time for some breakfast. And possibly a nap.
7:25 AM: William and Kate step onto the balcony. They look great together, waving enthusiastically. Kiss kiss kiss…
7:26 AM: The royal family and the Middletons join them on the balcony. Color coordination is in full effect. Momma Middleton’s blue dress and Camilla’s silver one set off the Queen’s bright yellow perfectly.
7:27 AM: Is anyone else feeling bad about Kate’s wedding night now?
7:28 AM: The crowd is chanting “give her a kiss”. They’re disappointed they’ve been standing outside for hours now and THAT was the best they got. William is looking a bit limp now.
7:28 AM: You know Harry would have given her some tongue.
7:29 AM: The fly over marks the end of the public portion of the royal wedding. Someone PLEASE have a camera inside Prince Harry’s party tonight.
7:30 AM: Okay, the second kiss is better. Maybe “comatose” isn’t part of Kate’s wedding night after all.
7:31 AM: The Queen and Prince Phillip exit the balcony first. The Middletons and the other royal family clear out next. William and Kate remain for more waving.
7:33 AM: And that concludes the royal wedding. At least for us peons. The fancy nancies have a canape reception followed by Prince Harry’s Party. I’m having Lucky Charms. And a nap.