First, allow me a second to gloat since I improved my guessing curve from last year’s “pretty much completely wrong” to a solid 48% this year. It goes up to 60% when you count my three “should win” picks that ended up panning out (Jim Parsons’ win for Best Actor in a Comedy Series, Paul Giamatti for Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy or Musical, and Trent Reznor/Atticus Ross’s win for Best Original Score). I also predicted Chris Colfer of Glee winning Best Supporting Actor! I feel ready for the Oscar pool. And now to recap the Golden Globes 2011, which were, surprisingly, actually fun to watch.
Ricky Gervais. Duh. Of course the HFPA and the industry folk who sat through his scorched-earth opening monologue, of course the actors who felt the bite of his scathing introductions (Tom Hanks did not take it well), are unhappy with Gervais today. Of course they’re declaring him “banned” and “fired” and “over” and any number of things. And of course they’re all idiots for it and look like sore losers.
NO ONE LIKE WATCHING AWARD SHOWS.
EVERYONE WHO HAS TRIED TO WATCH AN AWARDS SHOW
Award shows are intolerable circlejerks of self-congratulation and smugness. These people are legendary for their inability to take a joke (remember Sean Penn leaping to Jude Law’s defense at the Oscars when host Jon Stewart asked why Jude Law was in every movie that came out that year?). Ratings dwindle for these shows because 1) they’re too long and 2) the people watching at home don’t want to sit around for three-plus hours and watch while celebrities whose lives bear no resemblance to ours are patted on the back. We want to watch them be torn down. Schadenfreude at its finest
This is why the best hosts are the ones, like Gervais, who really take it to the celebrities and make them eat that shit all night. And obviously Gervais knew what he doing—he announced before the show that he had no intention of returning to host any time soon. So all this talk of “banning” and “you’re fired” and “you’ll never work in this town again” is pointless because Gervais already said he won’t be hosting again. And as for not working ever again? Well he’s ensured his popularity with the viewers at home. Ricky Gervais will be just fine.
This is tough, because I didn’t love anyone’s dress outright. No one knocked my socks off. But Anne Hathaway in Armani Prive and Emma Stone in Calvin Klein came closest. Hathaway’s dress was the most spectacular of the night and for many is an instant Hall of Fame sartorial moment. I do think she looks glamorous and incredible and young and fresh and a million other things but those bullshit Dynasty shoulder pads keep this from being a home run. Stone, too, is just one-off sheer amazingness in her peach column dress. Like Hathaway, Stone is displaying a beautifully toned back that isn’t scary carved out (no spine notches on display anywhere!), and her make-up is beautiful and she was on-trend with the neutral tones. The hair gets a pass—it’s a harsh platinum blonde but it’s for a character so whatever.
What does not get a pass is how ORANGE Stone is. I get it if she shows up for a hair and make-up test and under the lights she washes out with her new blonde hair, so the make-up team on Spider-Man decides to spray a little tan on her. But did it have to be this orange? The peach color of the dress—in and of itself lovely—seems to be exacerbating the problem. But still, Hathaway and Stone were so, so close to perfection that they’re the best of the night among the ladies.
The best man was hands-down Robert Pattinson in a navy blue Gucci tux. First, I LOVE navy tuxes on the red carpet. There’s not much men can do with a tuxedo so I really appreciate it when someone goes for a bit of color, and this is now the second time Pattinson has chosen a colorful suit on the red carpet. I hope this becomes his “thing” because he’s young enough and odd enough to pull this off and we need a fashion-forward man at these events. You can always count on Johnny Depp to wear something funky and for Jon Hamm to look classically handsome, but right now there is no guy taking hold of “uber-cool” and Pattinson, with his super-tall frame is built for standing out.
Also, major points for how beautifully tailored this tux is. In the past, Pattinson hasn’t always had his suits tailored so well, which is weird as British men are usually more into that than Americans are, but maybe it was just a growing up thing. Because this suit has the shit tailored out of it and it looks fantastic. Emphasizing his broad shoulders and long legs, Pattinson has never looked so grown up on the red carpet.
Best classic tuxedo goes to Ryan Gosling in Salvatore Ferragamo. There is so much to love about this suit. 1) It’s velvet. Velvet! And not gross plushy velvet, but a fine velvet that just barely shows as texture in the photos. 2) The one-button jacket with a shawl collar. One button coats are a very clean look, and pairing it with the usually gross shawl collar is a risk. Fortunately, Gosling has the right kind of lanky frame to pull this off. On a broader-shouldered man, this collar would look awful but on slim Gosling it totally works. And unlike Jon Hamm (sads), Gosling chose the right sized bowtie. It’s great to see the young guys—Gosling is only 30, Pattinson just 24—choosing different colors and materials for their tuxes. Trendsetter alert.
There is no question who the worst-dressed ladies were last night. First, there’s a tie between the two Jennifers. Jennifer Love Hewitt looked ready to walk down the aisle in her Romona Keveza white ball gown. In the past I have really liked Keveza’s sleek, modern wedding dresses but Hewitt has ruined that for me now. This dress is cheap looking and combined with Hewitt’s Day-Glo orange fake tan, it looks tacky. Jennifer Lopez also chose bridal white from Zuhair Murad, a designer I have never liked and last night justified my distaste. Minus that bullshit sequined shawl, this dress may not have been so bad, but as it is, it’s the most offensive thing on the red carpet.
It crushes me to have to put Michelle Williams on a worst-dressed list, because she is normally so pretty and cute and fun with her choices, but her Valentino daisy-chain disaster is massively FAIL that I have no other choice. It isn’t flattering—anything that makes teeny tiny Williams look thick in the waist is an automatic NO, and the khaki color is so drab and boring that it kills whatever spirit Williams tried to show. And don’t get me started on the seashell straps. It’s just bullshit all around.
Coming up with worst-dressed men is always a little tough because generally they all look the same in their penguin suits, but please believe me when I say that I tried REALLY REALLY HARD to find an alternative to Jon Hamm. I can’t find the designer of this suit and I’ve wasted twenty minutes looking so I’m going to assume whoever it was, knew it wasn’t great. See what I mean about shawl collars being a risk for broad-shouldered men? And that bowtie is tragically small. It’s making Hamm’s head look awkwardly huge and is totally distracting from his otherwise nice navy suit. It’s so hard to mess up a tuxedo yet Hamm has done it and I’m crying on the inside.
Also on the losing end for men is Justin Bieber in a Dolce & Gabbana tux. He commits the same shiny-suit sin that Taylor Lautner did last year, and between his sneakers and ill-fitting suit, Biebs looks like a boy playing dress-up in his daddy’s closest. He also had on those dumbass oversized purple glasses to promote his upcoming concert pic, which I’m sure had someone at Paramount marketing weeping in silent shame.
Almost But Not Quite
This goes to Olivia Wilde, who may be unnecessary in general but who is a really stunning woman and often wears interesting things to these events. But last night she opted for beauty queen pageant bullshit from Marchesa and let me down. I love the color of the dress against Wilde’s tan (though not orange) skin tone, and if Marchesa could ever display some restraint and refrain from bedazzling this gown, it may have been my favorite of the night. As it is, all that beading killed it for me. Oh and I hate the shoes. Also “almost but not quite” was Glee’s Kevin McHale in a polka-dot jacket of unknown origin. I appreciate the attempt but the Try is a little obvious.
Never Ever Ever
Natalie Portman’s Viktor & Rolf maternity gown was the stupidest. Even without that bullshit rose, it’s still a “your body is a wonderland” bed sheet dress. She sucked it up more the French twist, though the necklace is stunning. Also her speech was hilariously up her ass and her friends will torture her with it at her divorce party in a few years. This dress is made worse by the cute gray Azzaro mini-dress she wore at an after party.
The Boy Kings
Honorable mention goes to the young men of The Social Network, who turned up in their Sunday finest. Their leader was Andrew Garfield who has a frame made for hanging suits off of, but he loses Best Dressed to fellow Brit Pattinson because Garfield’s loafers were a mistake and his pants aren’t as well tailored. Jesse Eisenberg looked better (read: less flat ironed) than he has yet so far on the award circuit but he could really use a lesson in tailoring from Garfield. Eisenberg is way better looking than he dresses. And finally, Armie “Eager Beaver” Hammer is a giant on the red carpet who needs to be wearing nothing but Ralph Lauren given his all-American good looks. RL + Hammer, I’m calling this ad campaign now.
The Emerald Star
Emerald green gowns were a trend last night and of all the many nice options, Mila Kunis in Vera Wang was the best of them all. Her bump-it French twist and that thing on her shoulder kept her off my Best Dressed list, but among all the green goddesses, Kunis had the best green dress.
Men In Black
Another trend last night was the all-black tuxedo. Best of the lot was Jeremy Renner in an all-black suit, and once again I can’t find the designer. Fashion sites, we care about the men, too. I preferred Renner’s non-traditional to Robert Downey, Jr.’s gray and red-tie Prada suit, mainly because I expect RDJ to show up looking like that while Renner was a fresh surprise. Runner-up MIB is Jesus Bale dressed tip-to-toe in D&G.
Ladies Of A Certain Age
Let’s face it. There comes a time when gravity and time have worked against you and dressing for these events becomes about highlighting what still looks good and hiding what doesn’t. Winners for the night are Annette Bening in Tom Ford and sporting some cool black glasses looked amazing and elegant, and Kyra Sedgwick in Emilio Pucci showed off her seriously toned arms. Not looking as good was Julianne Moore in Lanvin, mostly because the dress made her tits look saggy and if you’ve seen The Kids Are All Right, you KNOW that isn’t the case.
Best Trend: Ponytails
Everyone spent so much time bitching about the fuddy-duddy French twists that no one mentioned the excellent ponytails on display last night. The Big Bang Theory’s Kaley Cuoco had a gorgeous unstructured ponytail and True Grit’s Hailee Steinfeld showed off a sleek tail of her own. Steinfeld wore a white Prabal Gurung gown and she looked pretty and young and delightful and I get a kick out of how much fun she is obviously having at these things. Girls, if you’re going to prom this spring have your hair stylist try out one of these ponytail looks. It’s such a fresh alternative to the typical up’do.
Worst Trend: Fake Faces
Well obviously, Megan Fox is the queen of fake faces. A guy recently told me I hated Fox because all the boys love her and I said that no, I hate her because she’s so young and pretty and she’s fucked it all up with totally unnecessary procedures and/or injections. It’s sad and depressing. Glee’s Jayma Mays also showed up with a fake face, though hers is due to a bad make-up job, not invasive surgery. I didn’t even recognize her on the red carpet. Ladies, if your make-up makes you look like Not-You, it’s a problem.
Why Were You Expecting Anything Else
Tilda Swinton elected to wear a Jil Sander skirt paired with a white Oxford shirt and everyone yelled “offensive” and “bad” but at this point, why are you expecting anything else from her? I am convinced that Swinton has no desire to be part of the fashion set yet she has interesting and unique (and fashion-forward, I argue) taste and so she wears these outfits meaning to provoke our ire while she laughs her head off that we care so much what she wears. Ditto for Helena Bonham-Carter who showed up in a Vivienne Westwood gown with a bird’s nest on her head and Christmas-themed shoes on her feet. Again, this is always how Bonham-Carter rolls and to expect any different is just dumb.