This conversation took place on May 19 between Michael Bay and Brad Weston, President of Production at Paramount. This conversation is 100% exactly what happened* and it took place on a yacht with a helicopter on it.
Michael Bay: [descends from the upper deck, wearing an ascot and dinner jacket] Don’t be uncouth, Brad! Boats are for poor people. This is a ship! A ship with a helicopter on it.
BW: Um…yes, I see that. Do you think you could put on some pants while we discuss business?
MB: Pants? Whatever for? [looks down at his American flag Speedo] You don’t like my new swimsuit?
BW: Erm…let’s just sit down and talk about Transformers 3. Since you’ve announced you intend to release it on July 1, 2011, we need to get rolling into production.
MB: No business on the driveway yacht! The driveway yacht is for parties only. See, I’ve even hired Kenny Chesney to sit over there and sing summer songs of sun and sand for the next three months!
BW: [looks at Kenny Chesney] Um…okay. Why do you have your yacht dry-docked on the driveway anyway?
MB: Because it’s my driveway yacht! This yacht lets everyone who comes over know how rich and successful I am. I keep my water yacht in Miami. It has TWO helicopters on it. You should get a driveway yacht, Brad. You’ll feel a lot better about yourself. And you can make wannabe starlets wash it in bikinis for their “auditions”.
BW: Oh crap…you actually did that? I thought you were joking… I don’t think that’s legal…
MB: This is why you’re the suit, Brad. I can’t be bothered about what’s “legal” and what’s “not legal”. I must do whatever I can to find the absolute best new talent for my films! Sometimes that means enduring hours of painful auditions, watching girls wash my various vehicles or give me lap dances.
BW: Oh Christ, please stop talking before I have to report you to someone or something. Look, let’s just talk about Transformers 3. Have you started on a script?
MB: Hell yes I have! It’s going to be the biggest and best Michael Bay story ever! [hands Weston a business card]
BW: What is this?
MB: It’s the number of my pyrotechnics guy. He’s writing Transformers 3.
MB: See, here’s what I was thinking. What if Sam and the Autobots were living in Los Angeles and Sam is running a garage but really it’s a front for the Autobots and Sector Seven to plan their battles against the Decepticons?
BW: Yeah, okay. That’s not bad.
BW: There aren’t any volcanoes in Los Angeles…
MB: Whatever, Brad. Green screen. Duh.
BW: All…right. But don’t you mean Optimus Prime’s evil twin brother? Megatron was already the evil brother.
MB: No! I mean Megatron’s even more evil twin brother! We’ll call him Megadeath Squared—something scary but vaguely mathematical.
BW: And what about a Decepticon being a volcano? They’re supposed to be machines, not giant land masses.
MB: The volcano was metal, obviously. Jesus Brad, you’re such a downer. Do I need to call Camilla Belle to come give you an audition?
BW: What? No! Let’s get back to the movie.
MB: Right, so the volcano Decepticon comes alive and is chasing Sam trying to get him to give the Cube back…
MB: No, see, it will turn out that Sam had a hangnail and a sliver of the Cube got stuck and now Sam has super powers like he’s really strong and fast and has bionic night vision. I can use my new night vision cameras that way. James Cameron isn’t the only guy who can invent new cameras. God I hate that cocksucker.
BW: Um…let’s back up. Sam had a hangnail…and a part of the Cube got stuck under it…now Sam is part robot?
MB: Yes! Finally working with me here, Brad! [notices the music has stopped] Kenny, why did you stop playing?
Kenny Chesney: I’m kind of tired. I could use a break.
MB: I’m not paying you to be tired. I’m paying you to play me summer songs of sand and sun. Get back to it!
MB: Cripes it’s hard to get good help these days. Anyway, there’s a girl who has been working in Sam’s garage and she finally sees the Autobots for what they really are and now she needs protection, too.
BW: Okay, so you want to cast a new female character. That’s great; we’ve been getting calls from Ashley Greene’s reps, Hayden Panetierre, Jessica Szohr. Shouldn’t be hard to find a new actress. But Mike, I gotta know buddy, that this time you’ll treat her with respect and courtesy, and we won’t be fighting rumors that you’re a chauvinist pig anymore.
MB: Chauvinist pig! Me? I love women! I love all women equally. I treat every woman on my set with the same dignity I would show my mother. Just tell the actress to get bigger boobs and a new face and we’ll be square.
BW: But you don’t even know who we would cast!
MB: I know she’ll need bigger tits and a prettier face. Christ’s sakes, Brad, are you on Team Transform or not?
BW: [weeps softly into his hands]
BW: Johnny Two Fingers?
MB: Jesus keep up, Brad! Johnny Two Fingers—my pyrotechnics guy! He’s in charge of the middle part of the movie.
BW: And what about Megan? Where is she in all this?
MB: Megan? Megan who?
BW: Megan…Fox. She plays Mikaela? You discovered her!
MB: Oh yeah! She’s fired.
*IN MY MIND