The Elf Brigade

Do you know how I know I’m getting old? Because all the hot young actors look like elves to me. I look at the magazines and see elf after elf after elf. I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know why they’re famous, and in many cases, I don’t even know who they are. And I’m pretty sure they should all be up a tree, making me delicious cookies.

Chace Crawford

I don’t know who this guy is. When I first saw pictures of him, I thought he was Zac Efron. I’m still not entirely sure who he is, but IMDB tells me he’s on Gossip Girl. He’s also slated to be in the totally unnecessary remake of Footloose, but I’m pretty sure I heard that idea got scrapped. Or maybe that was wishful thinking. At any rate, he seems to be a third-tier cast member on a show about spoiled rich twats which I don’t watch. My in-depth examination of approximately three photos of this guy has convinced me of the following things:

1) Chace Crawford desperately wants to be famous

2) Spelling “Chase” with a “C” is pretentious

3) Chace Crawford was in Lord of the Rings

One of those statements might not be true.

Ed Westwick

This is another of the elves starring, according to IMDB, on Gossip Girl (is that show about rich elves in prep school?). Westwick is less of an elf, actually, and more of…Rumpelstiltskin. I think he may be here to sell me a loom that weaves straw into gold but comes with a terrible price. And he seems…greasy. Like I just want to hand him a packet of blotting papers and some face wash. I am not finding this attractive at all, which tells me that I am old, because the intern in my office most young women and girls I know tell me that he is handsome, and they crush on him. It must be like how only dogs can hear certain decibels–Ed Westwick is only attractive to teenagers.

The Jonas Brothers

I only know The Jonas Brothers as a group. I do not know who they are individually, and frankly, I’m kind of proud of that fact. My only knowledge of The Jonas Brothers is that they claim to be musicians (I do not agree with that claim), and they had a TV show on Disney, or Nickelodeon–something like that. I refuse to look up this information. There’s no possible reason that I, a single woman of twenty-seven who does not have kids or younger siblings, could have for knowing anything about these guys. Apparently the one called Nick has gone solo, but fuck if I know which one is Nick. I wish they’d get back to making me delicious cookies.

Logan Lerman

Oh, he’s so pretty. He’s like a brand new penny, all shiny and fresh. And he’s the least annoying person on this list. I first saw Lerman in Percy Jackson (which sucked, by the way), and there’s a persistent rumor that he’ll be Peter Parker in the Spiderman reboot. I could actually live with that. Like Tobey Maguire before him, Lerman is appropriately dorky, if more classically handsome than Maguire. I’m not convinced he’s a good actor, but he seems earnest enough. And as he has super-sensitive elf hearing, he should be able to understand Peter Parker’s spider senses and how they impact his daily life. Update: Logan Lerman was in 3:10 to Yuma, which almost gets him off this list. Almost.

Zac Efron

It’s the elf king himself, Elrond Zac Efron. I’m blaming him for this forward-swept hair tragedy all the kids are sporting these days. It’s not attractive on anyone. Makes you all look like you’re covering up some premature balding. Talentwise, Efron is probably a cut above everyone else on this list. I actually enjoyed him in Hair Spray, and people say Me and Orson Welles is good, too. That said, there is no one more plastic or manufactured than Zac Efron. Everything about him screams “calculation” and “ten-year plan”. He’s seems nice enough, but nice in that “this is good for my career” way. The minute he thinks he can get away with it, I bet we see some bad behavior from Efron. But even then it will be bad behavior that doesn’t get him into real trouble. He’ll just be naughty so we’ll think he’s a grown up.

Now that you’ve looked at all these elves, here’s a real man to cleanse your palate.

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4 thoughts on “The Elf Brigade

  1. Kate

    Yes! To everything you said. Couldn’t agree more! Also, there’s this Justin Bieber kid and for unknown reasons, he keeps relentlessly trending on Twitter. I actually know nothing about him (thank god!!!), other than he caused me to mute the new “We Are The World” vid after only 5 seconds, but I’m thinking that Bieber is an ideal elf. Although, he’s probably not big enough yet to be a full elf, so maybe just a junior elf or elf in training. Regardless, Bieber = Elf.

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