Golden Globes 2010: The Best, the Worst, and the Lame

So my predictions were pretty much wildly wrong. I got a few right, and in some cases my “should wins” came through. Check out my predictions and the winners. I think I had like a 17% accuracy rate, but I have no math skillz, so even that’s a guess. Moving on.

Yeah yeah yeah, Avatar won and blah blah. Who cares? These shows are (mostly) not about winners and losers but the clothes, the bitchfacing, the “who cut who”, and the gossipy smut going down off camera. We watch to see the loser’s face and make fun of ugly dresses. So let’s get to it, yeah?

Best dressed

Justin Bartha

Note to the gentlemen–this is how it’s done. A classic suit sharply tailored, hair combed, clean shaven. Unless you have actual facial hair, such as a full beard, shave. No scruff on the red carpet, unless you are so A-list we will forgive you anything (think Harrison Ford wearing sneakers every year since 1995). Bartha just plain looks good.

Emily Blunt

Pretty in pink goes to Blunt. It’s all working–the dress, the hair, the makeup, the accessories. She’s on trend with the embellished dress, too.

Leonardo DiCaprio

See, this is being so A-list we’ll forgive you anything. Leo goes for a classic three-piece tux, beautifully tailored, and has a little bit of blonde scruff on his jawline. But he’s Leo DiCaprio, so we forgive him the scruff.

Lauren Graham

My controversial choice. You might remember Graham from Gilmore Girls, or else you have no clue who she is. Hot pink is a hard color to work, but Graham has the perfect complexion to pull it off. Further, her black hair and bright blue eyes are thrown into sharp relief. Dramatic, feminine, pretty.

Worst Dressed

Drew Barrymore

I’m actually down with this Atelier Versace gown. I like the nude color, the cut is flattering, and I can live with the sparkle. What I can’t live with, however, are the sea urchins attached to her shoulder and hip. Completely ruins the look.

Jennifer Garner

Ugh. I do not like Jen Garner. She is so boring. This dress is boring. It’s what she always wears. She is always neutral or achromatic, as she is in this dress. And no, the sparkle does not make up for lack of color. It’s just bedazzled boring. And what is that hair? The hair is horrible.

Taylor Lautner

Two words: shiny suit. Famous for being the losing end of Twilight’s love triangle, Lautner picks up the tween-viewer vote for sure. Despite his cuteness and bright smile, this shiny suit is so cheesy I can’t give him a pass.

Paul McCartney

What is all over his sleeve? Are those patches? Buttons? I have no idea, but it’s ugly and distracting. Why is McCartney dressed so poorly? His daughter is a successful fashion designer! No excuse for this at all.

Almost But Not Quite

Sandra Bullock

I’m with Sandy’s dress from the waist up. Love the royal purple color, hair and makeup is gorgeous, and Sandy looks so beautiful for a woman in her forties. Do we think she’s having work done? I don’t think she is. However, from the waist down, this dress is assy. It’s poofy prom tulle styles, and it is lame. Of course, Sandy is landing on best-dressed lists already, because really, who doesn’t like Sandra Bullock?

Maggie Gyllenhaal

This is my pick for editorial sartorial moment of the night. I chose this over Chloe Sevigny’s wing-dress-sculpture-thing. I think this is the best Gyllenhaal has looked in a while. She tends to not pick very pretty, or even flattering, dresses. This dress gives her great color, a very flattering silhouette, and some red carpet drama. I deduct points for being a little too esoteric, but then, this is Maggie Gyllenhaal, the thinking man’s sex symbol.

Anna Kendrick

Kendrick has been doing pretty well on her red carpet tour this year so far, but this Marchesa is more miss than hit. The cut is good–Kendrick has a curvy little figure which is flattered here–the color is good, and her hair/makeup is lovely. But WTF is that thing on her shoulder? That is straight up southern fried grande dame. Ugly and old.

Carey Mulligan

Mulligan almost made the best dressed. Love love LOVE the dress. She’s only 20, and the danger at that age is dressing too old, but this navy Nina Ricci is perfect for a young woman. Love the hair too–Mulligan’s pixie cut is set off by a 19th century diamond head band (Fred Leighton, I believe). I do not love the tit sag. Carey, I know you’re young and you think your bubbies are small, but you need a bra, honey. You could totally wear a strapless bar with this dress, and you should have. Your face says you’re twenty but the bubbies say you’re fifty.

Best Couple

Robert Downey, Jr. and Susan Downey

Sexy beast RDJ and his wife Susan, that lucky bitch, take home best couple of the night. They look great individually and together, and more, they look happy. This is just a happy, obnoxiously in love couple. Try and photo assume the relationship here and all you get is “happy”, “content”, “in love”, and other vomit-inducing adjectives. RDJ finally has it all going for him, and here he and his wife are, enjoying every moment of his untainted success. Here’s his acceptance speech for Best Actor – Comedy/Musical. “I don’t have anybody to thank. …They needed me!” Please.

Worst Couple

Josh Duhamel and Fergie

He cheats with strippers, her face scares me. End of story. I don’t even need to get into her lilac prom queen look. He cheats with strippers, her face scares me.

Best of the Divas

Marion Cotillard

This dark teal bias-cut gown is so perfect for Cotillard. Despite its low neckline and the peekaboo lace slip, it’s perfectly ladylike, yet the hem and color create drama. Does Marion Cotillard ever miss? Also, on a night when she wasn’t meant to shine, this gown takes nothing away from this year’s nominees.

Meryl Streep

Yay for Meryl! She almost never makes best-dressed lists. And why should she? She’s Meryl Streep! She doesn’t need to be a fashion icon. Here, though, she’s on-trend with an asymmetric neckline and the wide belt flatters her figure without being lumpy or bulgy. And the hair and makeup emphasize her very much underrated beauty. I found myself staring at Meryl’s profile throughout the night. She is a very, very beautiful woman.

 

Kate Winslet

Oh Kate. I love Kate. Her face screams “English” and her body “real woman”. She has one of those old Hollywood sex bomb bodies we all want. You know Jens Garner and Aniston were watching Kate enviously all night as she ate and drank and had fun. There is no fun in the Jens lives, because they don’t eat, and here is Kate with her hips eating and being beautiful. Also, like Marion Cotillard, Kate has dressed down, wearing nothing that would detract from the person she’s handing an award to.

Worst of the Divas

Cher

I know it’s Cher, and I should expect this sort of fuckery on the red carpet, but come on. She looks like a wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s. All those years of plastic surgery and denying the age are catching up to her. Ladies, this is why you don’t fuck with your face.

Cameron Diaz

At least she brushed her hair. Usually Diaz is the one wearing a great dress and ruining by not combing her hair. Well this year she came styled, unfortunately, the dress is lame shits. There’s too much of it for this bright shade of red. Maybe if it were sleeveless? A lot of people will like this. I did not.

Kate Hudson

I love white on the red carpet. It’s so dramatic. Unfortunately, I don’t love it on Kate Hudson. At least, I don’t love this white on her. Kate Hudson is such a hippy free spirit and this bustier dress is so tight and angular–it’s all wrong for her. Now, Kate Hudson in a white Grecian gown, all soft and flowy? Perfection.

Best of the Sexy Beasts

George Clooney

Please. It’s Gorgeous George. The suit, the smile, it’s all working. The beard is mostly under control. And did you see him? Blowing off PR reps to continue signing for the fans that waited all day in the rain? That’s class. That’s a real movie star.

Jeff Bridges

The Dude finally gets some recognition. And he gave a great speech! The whole night, only four speeches struck me as genuine: RDJ’s, Jeff Bridges’, Christoph Waltz’s, and the guy who won Best Foreign Film for The White Ribbon. Love the all-black ensemble, and Bridges, a man of much hair, has it all groomed and in place for the night, as it should be.

Jon Hamm

All the sexy beasts were working beards. Coincidence? No. Real men wear beards. Jon Hamm is like radiating the sex through television waves. And he brought all the smolder and sex to the Globes.

Worst of the Sexy Beasts

Mickey Rourke

Just…ew. I know–he’s Mickey Rourke, what do you expect? I expect not to see cowboy hats on the red carpet. At least give me that. I’ll put with everything else, including the snakeskin lapels (revolting), if you just leave the cowboy hat at home. But no, it’s here. And did I see his Whiplash teeth? I know RDJ was sporting the Tony Stark goatee, and I do believe I spy Whiplash’s gold caps on Rourke. You know what that means? Iron Man 2 is in reshoots!

Best Red Carpet Body

Christina Hendricks

This dress is amazing. An engineering marvel. It was designed by Project Runway winner Christian Siriano and it was one of the standouts of the night. Not only does it flatter Hendrick’s bust, but the champagne color is so striking with her pale skin and red hair. Even if it weren’t a feat of structural design, this dress would still be amazing. And that body! Oh my god. Have heard when Hendricks attends these things every man in the room looks every time she moves. Magazines will tell you men want stick insects. Their interest in Christina Hendricks says otherwise.

Anna Paquin

Another great body, in a considerably less great dress. I hate this dress. Hate the front slit, hate the shoes, hate the spangles. Hate everything except the silhouette. The figure is stunning. Paquin is a knockout with a killer body and this dress makes the most of her assets, all in a tasteful way. She’s out there, but I don’t worry about her being out there, if you catch my drift. Same cut in a different fabric and shoes, maybe put the slit on the side, and I love this look.

Worst Red Carpet Body

Mariah Carey

I wish Mariah Carey would stop pouring herself into too-tight dresses and showing me her tits. There’s more bronzer on the cans than her face. Scary. And that dress is so tight she can barely walk. She has to take tiny geisha steps in that dress. Sad thing is, if it just fit slightly better, and maybe the tits were under a bit more control, I would love this look. The dress itself is nice, it’s just four sizes too small.

Sally Hawkins

I couldn’t find a picture of her, but Sally Hawkins, who won for Best Actress in a Motion Picture Comedy/Musical last year, looked scary thin. Like, someone may need to call a doctor thin.

Looking Great at a Certain Age

Jennifer Aniston

I will give Aniston this. She wants so badly to be loved and to be known as more than the ex-Mrs. Pitt. Unfortunately, her movies are the shits and she refuses to take on another television show. I wish she would just accept her role as TV star. She was likeable in her 30 Rock appearance. So I will credit Aniston and her trainer for that ludicrous body. And I will credit Ricky Gervais for the greatest. intro. ever.

He said, “And now, Rachel from Friends.”

Halle Berry

Is Halle aging? At all? I swear she looks exactly the same as she did ten years ago. She’s like the female Johnny Depp. And her body is sick. Her body in that dress is the sickest. She’s so beautiful, I think she might actually be an alien. And she isn’t aging. I’m twenty-seven and I have forehead lines. What will I look like at Halle’s age? FML

Jodie Foster

Could not find a photo of Foster from last night, which makes me sad because she looked beautiful. She really doesn’t seem the type for having work done, so I will assume it’s all those years of dedicated yoga practice. And the dress wasn’t half bad, but mainly I was stuck on her not-aging face.

Jane Lynch

Sue Sylvester working the glamour gown. Jane Lynch has a bit of a Lucille Ball thing going on. She’s so funny and she’s always making these faces, but when you get a second to really look, you realize she’s a stunning woman. She brought that stunning last night. The olive green set off her pale skin and fair hair perfectly, good makeup, everything was age-appropriate. One of my favorites of the night.

The Botox Brigade

Courtney Cox

Dear Courtney: Next time you’re getting Botox for an awards show, schedule the appointment a little bit earlier. Your face didn’t move at all last night and it was distracting. Hearts, Bad Kitty.

Nicole Kidman

She actually looked less-injected than in recent months, but Nicole, my once epic lady crush, has been fucking with her face and it shows. She’s got a bit of that wax figure effect happening, too. It’s a shame, because she is truly one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, and she’s ruining it with the Botox.

Quentin Tarantino

Erm…WTF is wrong with Tarantino’s face? Did he get a chemical peel that morning? It’s so shiny and waxy. I almost can’t look away, but then I manage to and what do I see? Some sort of weird “hybrid tux”, as Tarantino called it–half Japanese-style suit, half classic tux. Wholly assy. But really, for serious, WTF is wrong with Tarantino’s face?

Biggest Douche of the Night

Bill Paxton

Paxton was nominated for Big Love in the Best Actor in a Television Series – Drama category. He was up against Michael C. Hall of Dexter. Hall recently announced he is recovering from a bout with cancer–Hodgkin’s lymphoma to be exact. When Hall won the Globe over Paxton, Paxton leaned over to his tablemates and said…something. It’s either the whiny, “I lost to Dexter,” or the appalling, “I lost to cancer”. You decide.

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2 thoughts on “Golden Globes 2010: The Best, the Worst, and the Lame

  1. Ok, I haven’t read all the way through yet, but I have to say that my friends and I were DYING about what we called the ferrets on Drew Barrymore’s dress. I am SO GLAD we weren’t the only people to notice.

  2. Ok, one more. Yep, my friend and I were wondering why Cox’s face wasn’t moving. And why she’s 65 and has no wrinkles. Spot on with that one chicka.

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