It’s an award-show weekend, kicking off the biggest shows of the 2010 season. The Critics’ Choice Movie Awards were Friday night (winners), and the Golden Globes are tonight (winners). It’s time to start thinking about the best of the best, who, after months of critic groups and guilds handing out awards, will win the biggest prizes in Hollywood? We will celebrate 2009 in film, which was a pretty good year, and we will spend today and the next couple months debating who the best in Hollywood is. I wonder who is the worst? Well, not even “the worst”, actually, because the night before the Oscars, the Razzies will tell us what the worst in film was in 2009. So my question is really…
Who is the most useless person in Hollywood?
And by useless I don’t mean unlikeable or trashy or people who make bad movies. That’s a whole different list. These are the people who make no worthwhile contribution to the world of entertainment. When you hear their name you go, “Why is this person? Who are they and what do they do? And why are we still paying them to do it?” These people are useless. Literally–of no use.
Here are the nominees:
Who is Justin Bieber? Seriously, I don’t know. I hear this name and I go, “WHY do I keep hearing this name?”
Wikipedia tells me that Bieber is a fifteen year old “singing sensation” from Canada. Apparently he came in second in some local singing competition in Canada and took this as license to begin inflicting his second-place vocal skillz on the rest of us via YouTube. It’s not like this kid was the runner-up on American Idol. He lost his junior high talent show, and now he’s a “singing sensation”. For the past ten minutes I have been trying to listen to Bieber’s songs on YouTube, but I’m pretty sure he’s singing at a decibel only discernible by dogs and tweens. I can’t make heads or tails of his “music”, except that it’s pretty shitty. Wikipedia also tells me that Bieber is promoting his first album and he has performed at the White House for President Obama. Check out the President’s and Michelle Obama’s faces at 1:40–it’s like they’ve just seen an adorable puppy pee on their carpet
Rating: Pretty damn useless. I still don’t really know who this kid is, except he’s a second-rate talent show participant from Canada who butchers Stevie Wonder and has concocted an image somewhere between Zac Efron and Celine Dion.
Jessica Biel wants your love. She wants it so, so bad. No one works harder to convince you she is worth your adoration than Biel. And few deserve it less. Let’s examine the career trajectory: breakout starlet on the WB’s wholesome family drama Seventh Heaven, then engages in poorly conceived attempt to exit said show by “dirtying” her image by posing half-nekkid in Gear magazine. She goes on to body-centric roles in Blade III, Stealth, and Powder Blue. Today Biel is most famous for being Justin Timberlake’s clingy piece, the entity permanently welded to his side. No matter how hard JT tries to pry her off, Biel remains, a barnacle on his fame ship.
Biel will tell you that she has a hard time getting good parts because of her immense beauty. No, seriously, ever since her spat with the WB about losing her good-girl image, Biel has been claiming she loses out on roles because of her amazing good looks. It has nothing to do with the fact that her movies go straight to DVD (Powder Blue–I guess, taking off her clothes isn’t working anymore), or tank at the box office (Easy Virtue), or that she has never carried a movie (her recent work includes small parts in Valentine’s Day and The A-Team). Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman–these women are in the same age group as Biel and yet they find plenty of good work. It must be Biel’s stunning beauty. God forbid her stagnant career has anything to do with her utter lack of talent.
Rating: Waste of space. There are a dozen people doing what Biel does, and they all do it better.
Oh my ever loving lord. Where to start, where to start? First let’s go back to 2003, when Lohan starred with Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday. Back then, Roger Ebert said, “[Lohan] has that Jodie Foster sort of seriousness and intent focus beneath her teenage persona.” Roger Ebert, eminent film critic, compared Lindsay Lohan to JODIE FOSTER.
Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.
But that’s the thing about Lilo. It’s not that she lacks talent, it’s that she’s pissed it away. And she did it so fast and so young. Within one decade Lohan went from being The Next Big Thing, to a Tragic Tabloid Queen. In and out of rehab, court dates, screaming matches with exes at two AM, multiple DUIs and vehicular incidents with pedestrians–Lohan is like a one-woman compendium of ways to fuck it up in Hollywood. She has become the worst thing in Hollywood–uninsurable. And when you’re uninsurable, you’re unemployable. So how has Lilo been passing the time? She was hired in 2009 by the fashion house Ungaro to “creatively consult” but she was fired just as fast for her assy designs, which made Ungaro the laughingstock of Paris Fashion Week back in September 2009. She has a spray-tan company and a line of trashy leggings (lately accused of jacking designs from several different designers), and of course she is busy stealing from photoshoots modeling. And dragging her sixteen-year-old sister across the world as she blows people works to keep up her family’s expensive Hollywood life.
Did you know you can buy items from the Lohan’s expensive Hollywood lives? You can. They have an online garage sale going on. Lindsay Lohan is a sad, cautionary tale of what happens when talent and youth is derailed by drugs, alcohol, and criminally poor parenting skillz. After all, what good can come when a child is abandoned to raise herself at the Chateau Marmont? Every time I see a Lindsay Lohan headline, I cringe and find myself thinking, “At what point do we stop feeding this madness?” It used to be about the talent and the potential. Now it’s all about the coke binges, the screaming matches, the family dramz, and the rehab stints.
Rating: Completely fucking useless. There’s not even cheesy pop music and straight-to-DVD movies anymore. There’s just being forced through arranged photo ops and a clingy media to witness a downward spiral that ends nowhere good.
Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt
I have not watched one second of The Hills, The City, or whatever shitastic reality show spawned these two. I have not listened to more than five seconds of any song sung by Heidi Montag–I’m pretty sure if you listen to more than five seconds of her demon-harpy screeching your eardrums will spontaneously burst in an attempt to save your brain from permanent damage. And I still don’t know why is Spencer Pratt. Below is the video of Montag performing her Succubus ritual singing at the Miss Universe pageant in 2009. About seven seconds in my computer froze in an attempt to preserve its dignity.
I blame MTV for this.
Rating: Totally pointless. What are these two trying to accomplish? We don’t need any more blonde singing skanks, and seriously–why is Spencer Pratt?
Have you ever heard the term “sugar raping”? The first time I ever heard it, courtesy LaineyGossip, it was in reference to Emmy Rossum’s music. Urban Dictionary defines “sugar rape” as “a sugar rush that sneaks up from behind”. I define it as “the act of being forcibly violated by something so sickeningly sweet you vomit rainbows and glitter”. That’s Emmy Rossum’s music. It will forcibly violate you until you vomit rainbows and glitter. I’m not sure what Emmy does now. She broke out in 2004 with Phantom of the Opera, and then didn’t work again until 2006 in Poseidon, then again with the not working until 2009 in something called Dare and also Dragonball Evolution–an anime live-action adaptation. Stellar projects all, I’m sure. Emmy would probably tell you she takes these long breaks because of her music, but I’ve heard her music and it’s terrible, so I will blame her long periods of not-working on her equally bad acting. Here is Emmy’s “Slow Me Down” music video. Every time Emmy Rossum has a wardrobe change, a kitten dies.
Rating: Indifferent and uninteresting. Does anyone really care what Emmy Rossum does? As long as we’re not forced to listen to her music or watch her acting?
So, Mirror Mirror, who is the most useless one of all? Lindsay Lohan, for her complete lack of any contribution to entertainment beyond her life’s utter destruction.