Forgive my shouty capitals, but I but get excited for bad action movies. They’re one of my most favorite things. Road House, Point Break, these are movies that I love. I’m a sucker for a bad action movie. Movies like that, and Out for Justice, they just make me happy. And every summer, we get a glut of them. Summer 2010 will be no different, and one of the worst looking of the lot is an adaptation of the ’80’s TV show The A-Team (June 11). The first trailer for The A-Team dropped last week and a friend sent it my way. It looks AWFUL. I did jumpy claps.
Quick rundown: An elite Special Forces unit is convicted of a crime they didn’t…oh who cares—just watch the trailer. It’ll explain everything.
This movie is really going to push the limits of crappy filmmaking. There are a few things I wonder about, though, after watching the trailer a few times. First, whose dog did Liam Neeson run over? The only possible explanation for Neeson’s (Taken, Kinsey) involvement in this trashtastic movie is that someone at Fox is blackmailing him. Clearly Neeson backed over Rupert Murdoch’s dog and is now starring in The A-Team to make up for it. And obviously Patrick Wilson (Angels in America, Watchmen) was riding in the car with Neeson when he double-tapped Fido because there is no reason for an actor of Wilson’s caliber to be in this movie. The rest of the cast actually does make sense for this movie. B.A. Baracus is played by Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, the UFC fighter. Logical choice. Bradley Cooper (The Hangover) is Faceman Peck. Good call. Cooper is good-looking and according to the trailer will be shirtless at least once, guaranteeing that girlfriends will see this movie with their boys. Jessica Biel plays some Army chick or something. She’s terrible. Minus 10 points for casting her. The rest of the cast is people I’ve never heard of before, which is how it should be.
I am also baffled by the physics of this movie. There’s a recent trend in bad action movies to leave physics completely by the wayside. For instance, how big are the Autobots in Transformers? In one shot they’re towering over a city, in the next, they can hide behind a house. So what’s the scale here? I know I shouldn’t be looking for logic in movies like this, but there are some basic scientific principles I don’t think you can just ignore for the sake of your crappy action flick. So let’s look at the miracle of physics in The A-Team trailer. First, the missile blows up the plane. Then, a tank drops out of the plane. Okay, that’s cool. It’s like a C-130 type plane, so I can easily believe a tank being in the storage hold. The camera cuts inside the tank and reveals the A-Team is inside it. Erm…okay. I’m willing to roll with the A-Team trying to survive a plane exploding mid-air by sitting inside their tank. As the tank plummets toward earth, a few parachutes pop out of it. It’s hard to count with the quick cutaway, but I’ll be generous and say there are five parachutes on the tank. I Googled “how much does a tank weigh” and got answers ranging from 48 to 60 tons, so I’ll cut the A-Team a break and give them the lightest tank at 48 tons. There is still now way in hell five parachutes is stopping a 48-ton tank from crashing into the earth with anything less than completely devastating and death-inducing results. But wait, there’s more! While the tank is falling to earth, B Coop pops out of the hatch and mans the machine gun to take out the fighter jet that shot them down. Umm…no. Just, no. At this altitude, wouldn’t his head explode from the atmospheric pressure? Isn’t it enough that I have to suspend my disbelief to accept that five parachutes will safely land a 48-ton tank? But then, this is a bad action movie—why am I looking for logic?
As for the trailer itself, I grade it “appropriately cheesetastic”. The voice over covers the entire plot of the movie in 70 seconds, which if I were going to take this movie seriously would not be encouraging as to its overall quality. And I’m pretty sure the trailer has just shown us the best parts of the movie. Trailer FAIL. But then the title card and tagline come up at the end. The A-Team: There is no plan B. Trailer WIN. That’s the best tagline for a summer movie I’ve seen yet. In fact, the next cut of The A-Team trailer should just show more of these insane action sequences with the actors shouting, “There is no plan B!” at one another.