Cinesnark

It occurred to me about 2 o’clock on Sunday that I’d forgotten to do my Golden Globe predictions. Oh well. I would’ve guessed The Artist and The Descendants for everything anyway, but I definitely would not have gotten Martin Scorsese for Best Director or Octavia Spencer for Best Supporting Actress. You can see the complete list of winners here. The Golden Globes are not a solid predictor of the Oscars because Oscar ballots are already returned before the Globes announce their winners, but I do think the nominee lists can and do overlap a great deal. For all the politicking that goes into the Oscars, there is still a large percentage of voters who are just lazy and/or indifferent who look at who gets nominated for the Globes and think, “Oh, I heard he/she/that movie was good, so I’ll put them down, too.” All the major Oscar nominees were at the Globes last night.

As for the best and worst dressed, you may notice there are no men on this list. Between the fact that they all looked the same—Colin Firth’s tux was astoundingly well tailored but it still looked like every other tux on the red carpet—I also had a terrible time finding fashion IDs for them, so I gave up. As always with Cinesnark, laziness is the rule, not the exception. On to the best and worst dressed, which we’ll fight about, no doubt.

Best Dressed

Nicole Kidman made a return to my good graces in a studded Versace gown. I used to love Nicole 10-12 years ago. You know, the Divorce Years in the early aughts, when she had Moulin Rouge and that dark ruby red hair and was free and fun, post-Tom Cruise. Then…it started to freeze. Not fade, no, because despite whatever fear Nicole is nursing about aging, beauty like hers doesn’t fade. Not with that bone structure. But it did start to freeze. And then her lips, they exploded from the excessive jacking and she got scary and her fashion sense took a nosedive toward the doily and her hair went to that awful platinum shade that didn’t flatter her at all and she made Australia and killed my lady crush. But last night, with red hair once again, her face considerably less frozen and looking less third-lippy, she scored a sartorial win. First, the fit is crazy. She looks thin but not scarecrowy and the pleating on the bodice is doing wonders for her tits. Also, this gown is how Nicole used to be, when she consistently was one of the most fashion-forward people on the red carpet. So, for nostalgia’s sake and because this was one of the most interesting, least-pageant-bullshit gowns of the night, Nicole Kidman gets a tip o’the cap.

Also best dressed was The Descendants’ Shailene Woodley in, surprise, Marchesa. Usually, Marchesa is total pageant bullshit, but they do occasionally get it right. Last year, I almost loved Olivia Wilde’s Marchesa ballgown, but that dress was too bedazzled for my taste. Woodley’s gown, on the other hand, gets the beaded detailing right. It helps that it’s tone-on-tone, and that Woodley didn’t wear any statement jewelry to compete with the sparkles on her dress. It also helps that this dress is a fitted sheath and not a poofy gown, as it leaves the beaded detailing as the only real design element. It’s surprisingly understated for Marchesa. But where this gown really gets it right is in the absolutely flawless fit and Woodley’s simple styling. I’ve met Shailene Woodley. She’s a sweet girl and a huge hippy. If she showed up in heavy makeup and a sixty-pound ball gown, I’d be disappointed. But her simple, fresh makeup and soft chignon are true to her no-fuss roots. The overall look is young and pretty and decidedly unfussy.

Worst Dressed

The look on Jessica Chastain’s face in this boring, too-tight Givenchy gown clearly says, “Sad dresses make me sad.” It makes me sad, too, Jessie. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her here, but Chastain has a great figure. She’s petite but curvy and has great skin to boot, yet she consistently cannot dress herself in a flattering way. Personally, I think Chastain is a bit indifferent to fashion. Not that she thinks she’s above it or anything, she just isn’t a Fashion Girl and she doesn’t seem to have a particularly keen sense of style. So she leaves everything to a stylist, but her stylist clearly hates her. Dear Jessica: Fire your stylist.

Next up is Freida Pinto in teal blue Prada. It crushes me to put Pinto on this list as I love her and think she’s one of the most beautiful women you’ll find anywhere, and usually she wears interesting stuff on the red carpet. But this gown is not only two sizes too big but it’s so freaking BORING. The color is lovely, yes, and it looks great on Pinto, but that is all the dress has working for it. It’s too big and the belt detail combined with the box pleats is making teeny-tiny Pinto look extra hippy. And the texturing on the dress is less “visually intriguing” and more “cheap flocking”. It’s a bad miss for both Pinto and Prada. And I hate her bump-it hair.

I don’t actually hate Madonna’s Reem Acra gown. It would’ve looked great on, say, The Incomparable Cate Blanchett. It’s less than great on Madonna, however, but she makes this list solely for the way she said “REEM AHCRAH”.

Almost But Not Quite

I really liked Sarah Michelle Gellar in this watercolor/tie-dye print Monique Lhuillier, but it’s slightly too much dress for SMG. Her styling isn’t great and but really, she just doesn’t have enough of an edge for this dress. This dress should be on someone like Evan Rachel Wood, who has the attitude to pull it off, or Sofia Vergara, who makes everything fun. It’s not a bad look on SMG, which is why she’s an “almost”, it’s just not quite the right one for her, either.

Like Freida Pinto, it pains me to not absolutely love whatever Charlize Theron is wearing, in this case, an asymmetrical Dior gown. I think Charlize looks really good, but the diamond headband and overall colorlessness of the look are holding it back for me. Nothing is ever going to induce me to like the headband, but if you must do it, understated is better. Think Carey Mulligan at the 2010 Golden Globes. But the bigger problem is definitely that Charlize is basically a nine-foot-tall taupe stick. The dress, her skin, her hair—it’s all one color. Either pop some color in the makeup or with a colorful clutch, but she needed some oomph to offset the blush colored gown.

Battle of the Yellows

I know that we all wanted to punch Paula Patton in the face last night, but we’re not here to talk about how goddamned fucking annoying she was, ME ME ME-ing the shit out of every moment she could. We’re here to talk about how a number of ladies wore bright yellow (some would call it “Big Bird yellow”) and which of them did it best. In my book, the winner is definitely Paula Patton in a sunshine yellow Monique Lhuillier mermaid gown. The fit is excellent, the shade of yellow is perfect for her complexion, and her styling is solid. Maria Menounos’ yellow dress (couldn’t find the designer) is too tight, and the combination of the bright shade and the sequins is too much, bordering on cheap. And The Killing’s Mireille Enos’ yellow dress is unflattering and a little too grandma-chic with the lacey detailing and saggy bodice. As obnoxious as Patton was, her yellow looks was the best.

Not the Worst Thing Ever

See, this is how you do a colorless gown. Angelina Jolie’s—what are we calling this color? Champagne?—Versace has that red fold on the neckline that she then matched to her clutch and lipstick. That might be a bit too matchy-matchy for some of you, but I thought Angelina looked stunning. First, the dress isn’t a sack. Second, the red fold detail, the lipstick and her sleek hairstyle all emphasize that crazy amazing face. And the fit on this dress is nuts. It’s perfect! Shiny satin is almost impossible to pull off but Angelina does it by dint of tailoring the shit out of it. On anyone else this is not going to be a good look, but given how “Sister Wife No. 7” Angelina usually looks, this is a huge improvement, and thus, not the worst thing ever.

Emma Stone is both interested in fashion and still finding her sartorial voice—which leads to some interesting choices—and this Lanvin goddess gown echoes a look Stone has worked to positive effect before. She tall enough and slender enough to pull off the drapey goddess styles without looking like a feather duster. And this two-tone plum and fuchsia gown is stunning against her pale skin and auburn hair. Love her makeup, too, and her hair style. I don’t love the leather detailing on the dress, though. I would’ve liked it so much more without the epaulets on the shoulders and I definitely would’ve preferred a different, less, um…Third Reich-y belt. I know that’s just an eagle but it looks like it came from an Indiana Jones prop box. Still, Stone has the youth and attitude to work the quirkier styles, which makes this not the worst thing ever.

The Worst Thing Ever

Ah, here is Lea Michele in the bullshit Marchesa we know and loathe. I knew Shailene Woodley’s gown was an aberration. The top half of this dress is that sparkly-and-see-through ice skater chic Marchesa has been working for a couple seasons now, the bottom half is Vegas showgirl. And everything in between is Michele and her ridiculous hard posing (although she was not the biggest perpetrator of this last night). Also awful is her old-lady hair. Michele is a pretty young woman—why must she always dress like she’s a forty-three-year-old divorcee? It’s the worst thing ever.

Natalie Portman in a drunk-bridesmaids-pink Lanvin gown continues her streak as the vomit-inducing Natalie Never. If she keeps this type of bullshit up, I will never ever find a way to like her again. Portman is so pretty and has some real attitude—or she used to, before she created a creation and was taken over by a Stepford wife. This dress is gross. It’s a gross color, a gross style and Portman’s obvious “oh whatever” attitude about wearing it is gross. Natalie Never: The worst thing ever.

Best Trend: Fish Tails

There were a lot of mermaid gowns on the red carpet last night. More than usual, that it. Enough that I’d call it a trend, and it was my favorite of the night. The best examples of the fish tail were easily Evan Rachel Wood in forest-green Gucci and Sofia Vergara in sapphire Vera Wang. ERW’s gown is basically a mermaid costume, with the sequin details done in a fish-scale pattern, but she looks great and she’s legitimately weird enough to wear a mermaid costume on the red carpet and still work it to positive effect. My only wish for ERW is that she would darken the blonde hair a little bit. It’s too harsh and is aging her a bit. Vergara, meanwhile, demonstrates how flattering the fish tail is for curvy girls. The fit of this gown is phenomenal and the boob management is solid, but it’s the proportions that show off her crazy figure that make this such a good look for an hour glass figure.

Worst Trend: Headbands

Ugh. Headbands. I’m never going to like them. If you must wear one, the smaller, sleeker styles are best. Michelle Williams in purple Jason Wu demonstrates how a headband can make a good look go bad. Were it not for her twee and ridiculous headband, she probably would have been my best dressed (although I didn’t love this gown as much as I did her black and white Chanel). And I’m not down with Charlize Theron’s vintage diamond Cartier head piece either. She’s such a beautiful woman; she doesn’t need to gild the lily this much. Also, I feel like wearing such a head piece is basically like saying, “I really want to wear a tiara but don’t have a reason to.” Of course, Charlize was just portraying the Evil Queen in Snow White and the Huntsman, sporting an array of cool crowns. She’s probably still in “bedeck me in jewels, you peasant” mode.

The Tilda Swinton Award for SWINTON

Everybody’s Favorite Alien, Tilda Swinton, was in fine SWINTON form last night, in this periwinkle blue Haider Ackermann ensemble. Is this separates? Or is it a gown? I can’t quite tell. SWINTON works a lot of menswear looks, and the jacket of this gown is in keeping with that style, while the skirt is flattering and on trend with its mini-fish tail. I also love that SWINTON did her hair up like this, instead of slicking it down like she usually does. I feel like this is what her crown looks like, when she’s sitting in her proper place as queen of a dying alien race. Tilda Swinton, the most SWINTON of the night.

The Lea Michele Hard Posing Award

Meanwhile, the Lea Michele Hard Posing Award goes to Piper Perabo, who wore a see-through Theory gown and was either completely shitfaced or else lost her shit and went crazy on the red carpet. There’s not much I can say here, so I’ll let the photos speak for themselves.