Please put down the scissors, Harvey.
That’s it. Easy now. Why don’t you just put those scissors down and back away—slowly!—from Snowpiercer before you do something you’ll regret. Just put down the scissors and let’s talk about this.
Yes, I know, Harvey. I know that Comedy Farts and Comedy Farts II: Diarrhea Smells have been big hits. And you’re right, they do just keep cranking out Zoom Zoom Cars over and over, and even the “good” ones aren’t particularly good. It is distressing, Harvey. I can see you’re very upset. So let’s just sit down now, and talk this out. Okay?
Let’s start with why you think you need to cut twenty minutes out of Snowpiercer so that audiences in Iowa will get it. Tell me what’s go you so worked up that you’re actually degrading a pretty goddamn stellar movie. Please, explain your logic to me.
That’s true, Harvey. Space Robots Shrieking is incredibly loud and stupid, and yes, people consume that shit like it’s the good blow. But don’t you get it, Harvey? I thought you understood when you bought Snowpiercer that it wasn’t that kind of movie.
The action IS exciting! Bong Joon-ho is a great director—he surely did make a stylish movie. And you’re right, Harvey, it probably will work perfectly well as a dumbed-down action movie. But do you really want it to be that?
January? No, Harvey, you promise me right now that whatever else you may do to Snowpiercer, you won’t dump it in January—or February, for that matter—to die. I get that the movie is about a frozen wasteland and January and February are a frozen wasteland of shitty movies, but there’s no need to be cutesy and ironic with the release date.
Ask yourself this: Do you really want to make the same mistake Paramount did with World War Z? Do you really want to take something special and different and turn it into the same generic schlock everyone else is crapping out? Do you want to be that guy, Harvey?
No, it is the same, Harvey. The only difference is that no one got a chance to see World War Z before all the rewrites and reshoots, but people have already seen Snowpiercer, myself included. It’s already open in international territories—it’s a hit in South Korea—and reviews have been written. People already think this is a good movie. You’re altering something people have already deemed worthy.
Forget about Iowa. Stop talking about Iowa. All that’s accomplishing is making you sound exactly like the enormous gaping asshole everyone already thinks you are.
Well I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings but it’s true. Everyone thinks you’re a shit-sucking cockroach and your “’Murica is dum-dum” attitude isn’t doing anything to help that.
No, I will not take that back, because you aren’t giving me any reason to. If you’re going to assume that I’m a retarded monkey that has to be spoon-fed entertainment in its simplest form then I’m going to remind you that no one actually likes you. We put up with you. That’s it.
Well fine, if you want to be like that, go ahead. Just remember Princess Mononoke. Remember that it isn’t your hacked-to-bits US edit that anyone cares about. Everyone goes right to the original Miyazaki version. And remember how everyone eye-rolled your blatant cash-grab when you edited The King’s Speech for a PG-13 rating after it won all those Oscars. You’re just adding to your hit parade here, Harvey. You’re proving right every bad thing said about you.
Look, Harvey, here’s what it comes down to. Bong Joon-ho might not have much power, if any at all, in Hollywood, but he is a world-renowned director and many, many people are waiting anxiously for Snowpiercer. And while you might well be a human black hole, you are a savvy businessman, and you’ll probably be able to sell a stupider version of Snowpiercer and make money. But look what’s happening. National film boards, like France’s, are coming out and assuring their film-goers they’ll be releasing the director’s cut, not yours. And they’re being hailed like conquering heroes. Now you’ve made it Harvey vs. the film fans, and Harvey? At the end of the day, given the kind of specialty films you release, the film fans are the audience you should be concerned about. Not Iowa. Because most of the movies you release never even play in Iowa anyway. All you’ve done here is remind people why they hate you, plus offend everyone in Iowa.
It’s not too late, Harvey. You could still come out and say you’ve changed your mind, that you’ll release Snowpiercer as-is and trust audiences—even the ones in Iowa—to respond to a smart, well-made movie that doesn’t talk down to them. Or you could, you know, continue being a runny turd and shove your lesser version of Snowpiercer down our throats. It’s your call.
Real classy, Harvey. I hope you get eaten by a tiger, too.